Breaking the silence of parental burnout

Parenthood, as they say, is one of life’s great adventures. It comes with a unique set of challenges, joys and rewards. However, for some, the often-overwhelming demands of childcare responsibilities can result in what is known as 'parental burnout'.

Whether it's exhaustion from looking after small kids or the exasperation of parenting teenagers, parental burnout can be a silent struggle that people face daily.

Preventing parental burnout is crucial for maintaining well-being and effectively caring for your children.

Family Matters spoke to Tania Hemmer, who works with the parental school Kannerschlass Foundation (FR) in Luxembourg and is an expert in the area of parental burnout. She is also a parent of two young children.

She runs a series of workshops that are designed to help parents navigate the complexities of parenthood.

With the emphasis very much on prevention of parental burnout, Hemmer explains that she strives to equip parents with the right information, so that early signs are recognised and managed before it escalates.

What is parental burnout?

Parental burnout is considered a psychological condition characterised by chronic stress, emotional exhaustion and a sense of overwhelm experienced by parents due to the demands of caregiving responsibilities.

Parents can find themselves in a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. Unlike the occasional stress or fatigue that all parents experience, parental burnout is chronic and can significantly impact the well-being of both parents and children. It is not solely caused by external factors such as lack of support or financial strain, but also by internal factors such as unrealistic expectations, perfectionism and a lack of self-care. If left unchecked parents can begin to feel overwhelmed by their parental responsibilities and their emotions.

According to Hemmer, parental burnout is something that can touch every parent in every social class and often for some people, at some point in their life, everything just becomes too much.

Hemmer explains that parents can experience burnout due to the demands of parenthood, leading to feeling of exhaustion and a lack of balance in their lives.

"Most of the time you go through a very tiring phase in parenthood. We always have phases where it is up and down. But sometimes when we go on holidays or have a good weekend that can restore balance."

"Parental burnout is where you have reached your capacity to deal with the stress associated with being a parent on your own and you need professional help."

"It's nearly impossible to come out of it yourself and there is a diagnosis involved," she explains.

What are the symptoms?

The symptoms are similar to professional burnout, says Hemmer, but it weighs heavier then professional burnout as you cannot quit your family but you can change your job.

She outlines the three stages of parental burnout:

"The first state is tiredness. You are so tired when morning comes you feel like you cannot face the day or go to work. When you think about the day or getting up it's very, very tough."

"The second stage is that you are in 'automatic mode' with your children. You make sure they are fed, dressed and go to school but you are operating without feeling your emotions. You're doing everything automatically."

"The third stage is when being with your children doesn't give you pleasure at all. It's really difficult but it doesn't mean that you don't love your children. It is because you are in a detached emotional state."

Hemmer adds that it is in this third stage when, if they are a professional, the parent will no longer be able to work and the situation necessitates sick leave. Typically, at this point intervention is needed to help them cope and find a way back to having a sense of balance in their lives.

Further reading: Expert advice - what to do when your baby won't sleep at night

Expecting perfection

The pressure to be the perfect parent along with unrealistic societal standards and comparisons with others, can fuel the feelings of anxiety and inadequacy that a struggling parent is already experiencing.

"You are arriving at the point where you are the parent that you don't recognise anymore because you wanted to be a good parent; there is this notion of having to be the perfect parent," Hemmer explains.

"The parent is ashamed of the person they have become and then they isolate themselves. That's why it's very difficult to really know that you have parental burnout because it's very hidden. That's why it's so important to talk about it so that people are aware of how you are feeling and the family is aware of it. When you are aware that you are on a downward spiral, you can change things and get information and, critically, get help."

"Can you imagine a person who is really tired, who doesn't sleep at night, their baby doesn't sleep at night? They cannot function well anymore."

"In extreme cases children can be neglected and suffer physically and psychologically. Symptoms such as bed wetting can present in children as they are anxious and have trouble sleeping."

She adds that parental burnout is not well enough understood and that according to statistics mothers are more likely to suffer from it.

Emphasising the critical need to talk about this condition more, she adds: "It's less about a cure but rather prevention because the consequences of parental burnout can be serious for the children, for the couple and for the parent. So, we should do everything to avoid it."

"In my workshops, I'm working with prevention in mind by giving a lot of information to parents, so burnout doesn't happen. My goal is always to help parents because you can do a lot of small things to really avoid this situation."

"I've met a lot of people during my sessions who say "thank you", because we are finally talking about it. One example is where someone said she was suffering from it but didn't know what it was. She said that her family nearly broke apart because of it."

How to avoid it?

Hemmer stresses the importance of sharing your feelings with someone you trust. "If you feel as a parent that you're exhausted, talk to a good friend, talk to other parents but make sure it is someone who is not judgmental, because what you don't need is to feel like you are being judged."

Hemmer also recommends reducing what she calls “stressors” in your life where possible.

"For example, in your everyday routine if doing house chores can be reduced from doing certain tasks every day to doing it only every second or third day. If there is someone else who can help for example your partner or can you involve your children so not everything has to be on you? Also, how many families have people around them that want to help but you don't accept it because you want to do it all on your own?"

Hemmer adds that by making seemingly minor adjustments you can cut down on your daily load. “All these small things add up to something big. It's not one big thing that you need to change but there are small elements that you can change. It’s about adding resources and taking away stressors, so it's about that balance.”

"Take out that notion of perfect so when you make mistakes during the day, remember that tomorrow is another day and be kind to yourself. When you have this little voice in your head make sure it speaks to you in a nice tone. Also, it’s important for children to see that we are not perfect because that puts pressure on our children to feel like they need to be perfect and that’s not reality."

Hemmer underlines the importance of quality over quantity when it comes to activities you may feel like you need to do with your kids. So, by finding out what you both really enjoy doing you can choose "restorative" ways to spend time together that are precious to you both.

Asking for help

In conclusion, Hemmer believes that a more balanced approach to parenthood is needed, with equal responsibilities and support for both parents as well as open communication and building a support network to overcome these challenges.

She adds that when it comes to your relationship with your partner, if you are in a relationship, it helps to identify your needs and express them because often in a partnership you think that the other person knows how you feel but this often not the case. Hemmer calls it the 'illusion of transparency.'

"The only antidote to this is to talk about it in a constructive way and by not accusing or blaming or using words like 'never' and 'always'."

It is also important to self-examine and looking at how best you can deal with stress, she says.

"How can you focus yourself by saying 'OK, I am stressed now. What is it I need?' So, you must really to be conscious and when you come to this point that you can express it and to ask for help because there's no shame in asking for help. Because we need a village to raise a child. Having extended family support is a little bit lost in our society. We have to create our own village to support each other."

How to recognise the signs

Knowing the signs of parental burnout is crucial for early intervention and support. Often the indicators include:

• Chronic fatigue: Parents experiencing burnout often feel physically exhausted, regardless of how much rest they get.
• Emotional detachment: They may feel emotionally distant from their children, experiencing a sense of numbness or disconnection.
• Increased irritability: Parents may find themselves becoming easily frustrated or angered by minor issues, leading to conflicts with their children or partner.
• Loss of enjoyment: Activities that once brought joy may now feel burdensome or unfulfilling.
• Neglecting self-care: Parents may neglect their own needs, sacrificing sleep, nutrition, and leisure activities to prioritize their children's well-being.

How to find balance:

• Set realistic expectations: Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on yourself or your children. Recognise that it's okay to not be perfect and embrace imperfection as part of the parenting journey.
• Prioritise self-care: Make self-care a priority by taking time for activities that recharge, restore and rejuvenate you.
• Set aside quality time: Make time to reconnect with your children and enjoy quality moments together through activities that foster bonding, communication, and mutual enjoyment.
• Share responsibilities: Ask for help with household tasks and responsibilities from your partner, children, or support network. Sharing the load in small ways can have an overall positive impact.
• Talk openly: Maintain open and honest communication with your partner about your needs, feelings, and concerns.
• Seek emotional support: Don't hesitate to ask friends, family members or support groups for emotional support when you need it.

For more information, Kannerschlass Foundation runs a series of free webinars for parents including 'Understanding parental burnout'. Go to eltereschoul@kannerschlass.lu

Read also: Resources to best support your child's mental health in Luxembourg (LINK BACK!!!)