Dilemma: Conscious childfree lifestyle or parenthood despite doubts?

Conscious childlessness or parenthood? This is one of the great dilemmas of our time, deeply shaping how we think about ourselves and our future. Ideally, having a child is no longer dictated by social expectations but is instead the result of a conscious decision. In this article, I will explore the factors that influence this life-defining choice and how you can navigate the inner conflicts that may arise around it.

The parenthood dilemma

The question of whether to have children or to remain childfree is one of the most defining decisions in our lives. It is not only about whether you want a baby or not, it also touches the foundations of your identity, values, and vision for the future. Many people feel caught between two opposing forces: on one hand, the desire for parenthood, and on the other, the fear of the responsibilities and lifestyle changes it brings.

It's useful to imagine the desire for parenthood as a spectrum. Some people know with certainty that one day they want to become parents, while others have never been able to picture life with children. Between these two extremes lies a broad middle ground: people who have not fully committed to either side and who wrestle with dilemmas about whether to have children. For them, the answer is not black-and-white, they can clearly see both the advantages and disadvantages of each decision.

In my private practice, I often see that people who are uncertain about having children tend to criticise themselves for their indecision. Yet it is completely understandable and acceptable that the answer is not clear-cut. And it's also very likely that whichever path they choose, they will remain aware of both its benefits and its challenges. Still, it's worth listening to that inner voice that helps you sense which direction is more likely to bring lasting fulfillment. Not to be overlooked, of course, is where your partner stands on this spectrum as well.

The weight of this decision is amplified by its irreversibility: becoming a parent changes your life forever, while choosing childlessness can become harder to reverse as time goes on.

The impact of social pressure

Although conscious childlessness is becoming increasingly accepted, social expectations still exert a strong influence. Family and friends often ask questions such as: "So, when will the baby come?" or "Aren't you afraid of missing out? Don't you worry about running out of time?" Such remarks can trigger anxiety and guilt, especially if you are uncertain yourself.

But this decision should come primarily from an inner conviction, not from external pressure. It is crucial to recognise when you are being influenced by others' expectations and when you are truly listening to your own desires. Try to quiet the outside voices and pay attention to what you genuinely want. After all, this is your life, and you are the one who must live with everything the decision entails.

Age and its role in the decision

Your thoughts and feelings about parenthood often shift as you age. In your twenties, having children may seem far away, while in your mid-thirties, biological factors may begin to weigh more heavily. It is not uncommon for someone to choose childlessness when young, only to change their mind later, or vice versa.

It's worth revisiting the question from time to time, since your values, circumstances, and priorities evolve, as does the quality of your relationship, which can also shape your perspective. At the same time, it's important to remember that the biological clock is a real factor, particularly for women, and should be taken into account when planning.

What factors influence the decision?

The decision to have children or remain childfree is influenced by many factors, personal, relational, financial, and societal. A personal factor may be how you were raised, what you were taught about the world and your place in it, the quality of your relationship with your family, and the coping mechanisms you developed to navigate difficult life situations. A relational factor may include how stable my relationship is, whether I feel satisfied in it or am hoping to save it with a baby, whether my partner is someone I can commit to in making this important life decision, what my partner's attitude toward having a child is, and whether we have enough relationship resources to rely on when facing parenting challenges.

Understanding these can help you clarify your motivations and fears. It's useful to reflect on how heavily each of these weighs in your own process of decision-making. It's important to acknowledge that there is no single "perfect" decision that applies to everyone. What brings happiness to one person may not bring the same to another. That's why you must find your own inner voice in this matter. Both parenthood and childlessness come with challenges. Beyond your personal perspective, it is essential to consider the issue in the context of your relationship as well: what are your partner's wishes regarding children? Where do each of you stand on the parenthood spectrum? This will inevitably shape the decision you make together.

Personal readiness and maturity

One of the most important factors is your sense of readiness and maturity. Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility. Your own needs often take a back seat for a while, and the challenges of life with a young child can easily unsettle emotional balance. A great deal of patience, resilience, and flexibility is required.

Many people feel they are not ready for this role, whether because they don't feel stable enough individually, their relationship isn't solid, or they simply have other life goals.

It's worth reflecting honestly on whether you truly want this role, with all of its challenges. Parenthood is not limited to the early years of raising a child but is a lifelong commitment. If you feel uncertain, talk to friends who are already parents, or consult with a psychologist who can help you clarify your feelings.

Relationship dynamics

The quality and stability of your relationship are also key in making this decision. A child profoundly changes a couple's dynamic and can test even the strongest bonds. If your relationship is already strained, it's wise to address these issues before deciding to have a child.

A particularly difficult situation arises when one partner wants a child and the other does not. Resolving this conflict requires many conversations and empathetic listening from both sides. If one partner is firmly against having children, the other must be honest with themselves and not cling to the illusion that "they will change their mind".

Often, the decision involves compromise, or even the end of the relationship. It's crucial to speak openly and honestly about this issue and to genuinely try to understand each other's perspectives.

Common questions that arise in my psychological practice

How can I know if I truly want children, or if it's just social pressure? 

This is an important question. Set aside time for self-reflection and imagine your life in detail both with children and without. Pay attention to your emotional reactions: what feelings arise as you picture these scenarios? If it's difficult to distinguish your own desires from others' expectations, the support of a psychologist can be very helpful.

What if my partner and I don't agree on having children? 

This is one of the most challenging issues a couple can face, since there is no real compromise, you cannot "half have" a child. First, it's essential to have open and honest conversations, seeking to understand each other's perspectives, feelings, and fears. Couples therapy can also provide support. Ultimately, though, you must accept that this decision can determine the future of your relationship, and both partners have the right to live in alignment with their deepest values.

I'm over 35 and still uncertain. How can I decide under the pressure of the biological clock? 

The biological clock is indeed a real factor, especially for women. However, it's important not to base your decision solely on this. Consulting a doctor can give you a clearer picture of your fertility, as medical tests can now provide valuable insights.

Consider whether you would be open to alternative paths (such as donor conception or adoption) if the natural route later becomes unavailable. Ultimately, accept that every decision comes with both advantages and disadvantages, and that the idea of "perfect timing" or a "perfect decision" is an illusion.

How can I handle social pressure if I choose conscious childlessness?

Setting boundaries is essential. Prepare a few short but firm responses to common questions or comments. For example: "This is a well-considered decision of mine, and I ask you to respect it," or "I plan to fulfill myself in other ways."

Seek out supportive communities, including online forums, where you can connect with people in similar situations. Most importantly, work on self-acceptance so that you feel grounded in the knowledge that your life is your own, and you have the right to live according to your values.

What kind of psychological support is available if I feel stuck in this decision?

Several types of professionals can help. In individual counseling, you can explore the motivations and fears behind your decision and gain a clearer understanding of what you truly want. If you're in a relationship and this issue creates conflict, couples therapy may be appropriate. The key is to find a professional who won't impose their own values on you but instead helps you clarify your own and supports you in making the decision that's right for you.

Anita Balázs-Miklovicz is a Clinical Health Psychologist, sharing insights on mental well-being.