Beyond separation: Maintaining stability, love, and respect for children

The challenges and opportunities of parenting after divorce affect many families today. When a relationship ends, the emotional well-being of children deserves special attention. How can we help them process what has happened? Which shared parenting principles should be maintained?

Divorce or separation is never an easy process, especially when children are involved. As a psychologist, I often meet parents who, although they have ended their romantic relationship, still want to raise their children together – just no longer under the same roof.

This situation raises many questions and challenges that need to be addressed thoughtfully.

The success of co-parenting after divorce largely depends on how well parents can put aside personal grievances and cooperate with the child's best interests at heart. In this article, I will explore the impact of divorce on children and the key considerations for creating harmonious co-parenting.

The impact of an unhappy relationship on children

Many parents stay in unhappy relationships believing they are doing it "for the sake of the children". In reality, a household full of tension and conflict can be far more damaging to a child’s development than a well-managed divorce.

Growing up in the shadow of conflict

Children are extremely sensitive to the emotional dynamics around them. Even if parents believe they are hiding their problems, children usually sense the tension. Constant arguments, a cold atmosphere, or unspoken hostility are all signals children pick up on and internalise.

Children raised in high-conflict homes are more likely to show behavioral problems, anxiety, and a lack of emotional security. They learn a damaging relationship model – one in which conflict and unhappiness seem normal – which can create difficulties in their future relationships.

When arguments happen in front of children, especially about parenting itself, children may develop the false belief that they are responsible for the conflict. This guilt becomes a heavy emotional burden, affecting their self-esteem and ability to build healthy relationships later in life.

When staying together causes more harm than divorce

Research shows that it is not divorce itself, but the surrounding conflict, uncertainty, and lack of support that cause the most harm to children. Staying in a marriage without respect and love can be more damaging than a respectful, child-focused divorce.

Many parents fear that divorce will traumatise their children. However, what matters most is emotional security. If this cannot be maintained within an unhappy marriage, and if couples therapy hasn't brought you closer, then divorce – with the right support – can actually be the healthier option.

The psychological effects of divorce on children

Divorce is undoubtedly a significant life event that creates a temporary crisis for children. Still, with proper support, most children can process and adapt to the new situation.

Natural reactions to divorce

A child's reaction depends largely on age, temperament, and the circumstances of the divorce. It is normal for children to lose their emotional balance and concerning if they show no reaction at all.

Emotional and behavioral changes after divorce are typical and usually temporary. Young children may show regression, such as bedwetting or wanting a dummy again. School-aged children may express diffuse anger, directed not only at parents but also at peers or teachers.

Teenagers may withdraw, have outbursts of anger, or engage in risky behavior. Typically, these reactions subside within 1–3 years if parents handle the situation well. Divorce does not define a child's life trajectory, their long-term emotional and creative development can be just as strong as that of peers from intact families.

The grief process of children

Divorce also represents a form of loss: the family as they once knew it is gone. Grief is natural, and parents must acknowledge and support their children in processing it.

Children may also experience reunification fantasies – hoping their parents will get back together. These fantasies may even fuel extreme behaviors to bring parents together. While normal and temporary, if such fantasies persist, it is the parents' responsibility to address them clearly.

Clarity is essential. If parents still live under one roof for practical reasons but are emotionally separated, children need to be told explicitly that the relationship has ended. Ambiguous situations, such as celebrating holidays "as if nothing happened", can reinforce false hopes and hinder emotional adjustment.

Key considerations for co-parenting after divorce

The success of co-parenting depends on parents' ability to cooperate, set aside resentment, and prioritise their child's needs. Some key principles include:

1. Honest communication with the child

The divorce should be explained to the child as soon as possible, ideally by both parents together, in an age-appropriate way. Avoid secrecy and delay, as uncertainty only increases anxiety.

Children must clearly understand that divorce is due to issues between the parents and not their fault. Stress that while parents no longer love each other as partners, both love the child equally, and that will never change. Practical details should also be shared: living arrangements, routines, and visitation.

2. Building cooperative parenting

Co-parenting doesn't mean parents have to be friends, but they must communicate respectfully and consistently follow agreed-upon rules.

Five essential principles:

1. Love doesn't disappear, it lives in two homes. Regular and reliable contact with both parents is vital. Research shows that even contact with a parent facing difficulties (e.g., mental illness) can benefit the child when managed properly.
2. Parents must recover emotionally. Children cannot serve as emotional support for their parents.
3. Maintain stability. Not everything should change after divorce; routines and predictability help children adapt.
4. Respect the other parent. Criticism or hostility toward the other parent in front of the child harms the child’s identity.
5. Effective communication. Children should not become "messengers" between parents, direct communication is crucial.

Practical parenting arrangements

There is no single best solution for custody and visitation; every family's circumstances differ.

Shared custody – where the child spends significant time with both parents, including weekdays – has become more common. Contrary to concerns, research shows that frequent moves are less harmful than unresolved parental conflict.

The 'one week here, one week there' model works well for many families. However, too frequent switches may be stressful, while the 'nesting model' (child stays in one home, parents alternate) is usually unsustainable long-term, especially when new partners appear.

When deciding arrangements, consider:

• Each parent's willingness and ability to provide care
• The child's age and needs
• Distance between homes and schools
• Parents' work schedules
• The child's personality and adaptability

New family dynamics after divorce

Divorce does not end the parent-child bond; it marks the beginning of a new family structure. Adjusting takes time and patience. New partners bring additional challenges, and introductions should be gradual, respecting the child's emotional needs. A new partner does not replace the biological parent.

Their role is to support and respect the child's relationship with both parents. Step-families require time to build trust. Children should not be expected to instantly accept new family members. Gradual bonding, shared activities, and respect for the child's emotions can help create harmony.

The role of grandparents and extended family

Grandparents and relatives can provide stability and continuity for children after divorce. However, it is vital they respect both parents' roles and avoid fueling conflicts. They may also support parents emotionally, but should avoid overstepping into primary parenting roles, which can confuse family boundaries. Family traditions and holidays may need rethinking after divorce. Creating new rituals while keeping a sense of continuity helps children feel secure.

Common questions that arise in my psychological practice

How do we tell our child we are divorcing?

Tell the child together, as a united front. Emphasise that it's a joint decision, not the child's fault, and that both parents' love remains unchanged. Provide concrete details about what will change and what will stay the same.

How often should children switch between homes?

There is no universal answer. Younger children usually need more frequent, shorter visits, while older ones handle longer stays better. Weekly rotations often work, but factors such as age, personality, distance, and parents' schedules must be considered.

What if my child doesn't want to see the other parent?

Try to understand the reasons. If fear or insecurity is involved, support the child in processing these feelings. If the relationship is safe, encourage but don't force visits. If refusal seems sudden and unjustified, professional help may be needed to rule out parental alienation.

How should we handle holidays after divorce?

Options include alternating holidays yearly, splitting the day, or in some cases like graduation celebrating together (only if there is no conflict). The key is to plan ahead and keep celebrations predictable. New traditions can also become valuable for children.

What if my ex consistently breaks our agreements?

First, try direct communication without blame. If ineffective, consider mediation. For serious or repeated breaches, consult a legal professional. Above all, shield the child from conflict, never use them as messengers or vent frustrations about the other parent. Consistency and predictability are what matter most to children.