One in four pregnancies ends in loss, yet the grief that follows is often hidden, leaving parents to navigate heartbreak, silence, and misunderstood sorrow

When you receive the news that you are expecting a baby, especially when planned, early medical appointments are taken on with joy, hope and future plans start to take shape. Which hospital to choose, ow to share the news, where to place the crib, etc. The baby is not only physically real but emotionally present from the moment the decision to have a child is made. Yet what we often overlook or feel unprepared for is the reality that one in four pregnancies ends in loss. Most happen within the first 12 weeks, though some occur later. After the 24th week, a loss is considered a stillbirth rather than a miscarriage, but the grief remains deeply personal no matter when it happens.

Coping with pregnancy loss

Pregnancy loss is an emotional earthquake. A world once full of hope and new beginnings is suddenly shattered. The words, “There is no heartbeat,” change everything. All the love that had already taken root has nowhere to go. The joy of becoming a family suddenly turns into mourning.

Returning home with this news is agonising. The same space once filled with plans and dreams now feels cold and empty. Some parents must wait for a natural miscarriage or undergo a medical procedure – sometimes even labour – to bring their child into the world, knowing they will never be able to take them home.

Even in early losses, the emotional toll can be immense. In my experience in private practice, every parent copes with this grief differently. Some mourn openly. Others stay busy to cope. One partner may feel the loss more intensely, while the other may appear distant, unsure how to express their pain. These different ways of coping can create a sense of isolation, even within the couple, making honest communication and mutual support all the more essential.

The non-birthing parent may feel pressure to stay strong or suppress their own grief to support the birthing parent. But their feelings are valid, too. They may benefit from sharing their experience, seeking support, or even attending counseling sessions, whether individually or as a couple.

Being able to say goodbye is a very important part of the grieving process. It doesn’t matter when it happens, and it can take many different forms. Some may feel the need to write a letter, expressing their feelings and thoughts to the lost child. Others may find comfort in speaking out loud, perhaps to a symbolic object like a teddy bear, saying all they need to say. Creating a memory book – perhaps keeping an ultrasound photo – can also be a meaningful way to honor the baby’s memory.

When a pregnancy is more advanced and a baby is stillborn, having the chance to say goodbye can feel especially vital. This might include taking photos with the baby, arranging a memorial, or holding a burial service.

Grief after pregnancy loss does not follow a set timeline. It ebbs and flows, often resurfacing with certain triggers: the due date, the anniversary of the loss, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. These moments can feel like hidden landmines, unseen by others but carrying deep weight for grieving parents. It’s not a chapter that can simply be closed.

How friends and family can offer support

For many people, pregnancy loss is a taboo topic. It’s difficult to talk about, and even harder to respond to. Yet this silence can leave grieving parents feeling even more alone. Family and friends often don’t know what to say, and unfortunately, what they do say can sometimes hurt more than help.

Well-meaning phrases like “At least it happened early,” or “There must have been something wrong with the baby,” from a wish to make sense of the loss, but they can unintentionally dismiss the parents’ grief. It’s not about logic – it’s about loss.

The most helpful response is not advice, it’s empathy. Simply acknowledging the pain can mean everything. Saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you. I can’t imagine how hard this must be,” offers comfort without diminishing the experience. Sometimes just being present, listening, and allowing the parents to express their emotions without trying to “fix” them is the greatest gift.

Friends and family may instinctively pull back, unsure what to say or afraid of saying the wrong thing. But absence can deepen the pain. While distance may feel appropriate in more casual relationships, close loved ones should try not to disappear. A message, a visit, or simply sitting in silence can make an enormous difference.

If the support from family and friends doesn’t feel helpful, I encourage parents to talk about it openly. Letting loved ones know which words or actions feel painful, and what kind of support would feel better, can lead to deeper understanding and more supportive connections.

The emotional journey after loss

Professional support can play an important role in the grieving process. Therapy can help parents explore and express their emotions, process trauma, and find ways to move forward. Over time, many people experience what psychologists call post-traumatic growth – a sense of personal change and deeper empathy that can exist alongside deep sorrow.

When parents decide to try again, subsequent pregnancies often begin with more anxiety than joy. Fear can overshadow the early weeks and may only ease  once they pass the point of their previous loss. Rebuilding trust in their bodies and in the future takes time and deserves patient, compassionate care from both professionals and loved ones.

Talking about pregnancy loss openly

To help grieving parents, we must normalise conversations about pregnancy loss. That starts by breaking the silence. Loss is real. The child was real. The grief is real.

For those who have not lived the experience, the best way to support is to listen, validate, and stay. Don’t minimise or try to rationalise the loss, and don’t disappear. But be there with kindness, with presence, and with love.

Unborn babies, even those here only briefly, leave a lasting imprint. They teach us what it means to love fiercely, to hope deeply, and to grieve fully. And they remind us how strong we are, even in our most fragile moments.