When parents disagree on parenting styles

This type of comment is sometimes all it takes to prompt a full-blown argument between parents.

If you and your partner are constantly clashing about the same old things – your child’s screen time, bedtime, dinnertime – perhaps your parenting style is to blame. 

The four main parenting styles 

There are four main parentings styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. They all come with different levels of expectation and responsiveness. Some parents fit neatly into one category, but many parents demonstrate a blend of styles. 
 
Authoritarian: parent-driven, high expectations, strict rules, punishments 
Authoritative: clear communication, high expectations, child-centred, open dialogue 
Permissive: child-centred, lack of rules, little enforcement, overindulging 
Uninvolved: absent, neglectful, emotionally distant 
 
If a person's parenting style differs significantly from that of their partner, it is possible that at some point this will become a source of friction. 
 
As an aside, it’s also worth contemplating which parental style(s) that you experienced as a child. It can be quite interesting to ask yourself how your childhood experience shaped or influenced the type of parent you have become. 

What topics do parents disagree on? 

Where do we start? It could be anything, right?

But the main culprits would probably be: discipline, screen time, bedtime routines, diet and nutrition, schoolwork, homework, hobbies, friends, chores, privileges...

How we raise our children is not solely dictated by our parenting styles, but our philosophies, beliefs and preferences. Hence why it can sometimes be difficult to find common ground! 

How parental disagreements can affect children 

Children who experience high levels of conflict at home can be affected in various behavioural, emotional and physical ways.

Some children might experience distress. Depending on their age, they might act out or have tantrums to seek attention. Older children could display angry or disruptive behaviours, at home or at school. Relationships with their friends could become strained.

A child’s sense of self-esteem can be affected when parents are arguing. Some children might blame themselves which can lead to anxiety and depression. School work could be affected as motivation or concentration levels drop.

Stress can lead to all sorts of symptoms such as headaches, tummy aches, nausea and fatigue. Children might experience trouble sleeping if they are awake at night, worrying about their parents or feeling guilty. 

What can you do? 

Leave the children out of it 
Make sure any discussion about parental disagreement happens out of earshot of your child. They might be at the centre of the debate, but they certainly do not need to hear the arguments.  
 
Express yourself 
Try to do this in a calm and controlled environment when emotions are not running high. It might help to have written down a list of things that you are worried about, so you can approach the discussion methodically. 
 
Listen to your partner 
Do you expect your partner to listen to you as you explain your concerns? In that case, it’s only fair that you take the time to listen to theirs. Actively listen and engage, and try not to interrupt. 
 
Diffuse moments of tension 
If you can see that you’re heading towards an argument, try to diffuse the tension by saying something like, “I can see this is frustrating you. Let’s chat about it later.” That way you can come back to it when you are both feeling calm and the children are not in the room. 
 
You’re on the same team... 
Try not to forget that you and your partner are raising your child together. You both want what is best for your child, so finding common ground is important. Parents should, wherever possible, present a united front. 
 
...but sometimes we agree to disagree 
There might be certain areas that you will never agree on. And that’s OK! Disagreement is totally normal. View your partner as someone who can offer you a different perspective on life, rather than your opponent. 
 
If it’s all getting too much 
The odd spat is inevitable, even for couples that usually get on well. But if conflict is taking over your family life, it could be a sign that you are ready to seek external help. This could be in the form of reading materials, a parental support group, or family therapy sessions. There are many psychologists, therapists and coaches in Luxembourg who specialise in couples or family therapy. 
 
For divorced parents 
It is important that divorced or separated parents are willing to find common ground to support their child in the best way they can. If divorced parents can put aside their differences when it comes to raising their child, the road ahead will be a much easier one to travel. 
 
Navigating parenting issues with compassion and understanding is key to avoiding conflict. Ultimately, all parents want the best for their children, so finding common ground and behaving with patience and understanding is the best way to ensure your child grows up in a safe and nurturing environment.