A child from Beggen who is clearly driven by evil and a desire to inflict pain on innocent people casually informed his mother on Wednesday evening that one month equals 46,080 minutes.

The vile calculation came just moments after Betina Moltze, 36, told her son Viktor that the Ministry of Education had announced that schools wouldn’t reopen until May 4.

“That’s not very long,” the child said, a strange look creeping onto his deceptively gentle face. “That’s one month or, hang on, 32 days.”

“Stop,” the mother said upon imagining that nightmarishly long stretch of time, but her black-hearted offspring continued.

“If we multiply it, 32 days is, hang on, 768 hours,” he said, a wicked smile overtaking his face.

“I beg you, if you have any mercy or love in your heart, please stop,” the mother said, yet her pleas were ignored.

“If we multiply it, 768 hours is, hang on, 46,080 minutes,” the boy said in a frighteningly low voice as reptilian wings grew from his back. “Mommy, we still have 46,080 minutes to spend together.”

The mother kicked over the basket of laundry she was folding and ran to the sanctity of the bathroom, terrorized by fear about how she could possibly keep her child occupied for 46,080 more minutes when she’d already exhausted every possible art, crafts, and sports idea.

“If we multiply it, 46,080 minutes is, hang on, 2,764,800 seconds,” the kid said to himself, his wings retracting into his body and his face returning to its normal innocence. “Whoa, that actually is a lot.”

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