Tavren and Elira Sarunai relocated to Luxembourg in March. Prior to that, they had never been to Europe or the Americas, and they had derived most of their knowledge of Christmas from Coca-Cola adverts and a pirated video cassette of “Home Alone” that was passed around their village when they were young.
“The first thing we did was try to reconcile the differences between Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Santa Claus, and the dozens of other generous but creepy elders who are said to sneak into your home,” said Elira.
“Because he ensures that manufactured goods get from warehouses to consumers, I named him Old Man Distribution,” added Tavren, who works in logistics. “His face is red, but not because of the cold or alcohol. It’s due to the hundreds of supply-chain issues he has to deal with.”
The couple went on to blend elements of the various Christmas traditions they have learned about since living here, mostly for their own amusement but also to entertain their kids.
“We had no idea of what awaited us,” Elira said.
Much to the parents’ horror, on Christmas Eve around 2 a.m. they were awoken by a tapping on the living room window. It was Old Man Distribution, as freakish as they had imagined him.
“We had joked to our kids that he has candy canes instead of arms, just like this grotesque figure did, and because of that, he was unable to climb down the chimney or open a window to sneak inside,” Tavern said. “We figure that he was stuck outside for two hours before we heard the tapping. I thought it was a mouse.”
They finally let in Old Man Distribution, who was nearly frozen as he was only dressed in wrapping paper. The elderly figure explained that he had crashed into the side of the couple’s house due to the mulled wine he had fed his magical polar bears that pull the flying tree he rides.
“He was missing a nose, and when he noticed me staring, he explained that we were supposed to give him a carrot,” Elira said. “Sadly, all I could offer him was a piece of leftover steamed broccoli. He reluctantly accepted it and stuck it to his face.”
Old Man Distribution then went to work, ringing a bell to summon a team of elves who demanded that each family member take a dirty sock and hang it on the wall. The couple summoned their sleepy, perplexed children to do just that.
“The elf leader walked along the line of socks and inspected each one, and depending on the smell, he put either a piece of molded plastic or a breath mint in it,” said Tavren. “They then demanded that we give them each a cookie.”
“We’re not really into junk food, so all I could offer them was a protein bar to share,” he continued. “They took it, wished us a Merry Christmas, and headed out into the night sky on their flying tree. Next winter, I think we’ll settle on one tradition and not try to get creative.”
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