Below is a roundup of this year’s top three New Year’s Eve stories from the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.
99 percent of ‘Happy New Year’ utterances will be hissed through clenched teeth
Of those who say “happy new year” to other guests at a dinner or party this year, 99 percent of them will hiss the words through clenched teeth, and most will say the words in an ironic, mocking way.
“Despite a new crop of Marvel movies, advances in AI that are making life unmeasurably easier and more entertaining, and an upcoming FIFA World Cup that will not in any way be spoiled by a president of one of the host countries, people are unenthusiastic about the future”, says one happiness expert. “It’s baffling. We should all be cheerful. Life is great and will only get better.”
It is estimated that the one percent of people who do offer genuine wishes for a happy new year either live in isolated villages in the Amazon forest, have recently found their missing keys, or have just won a lottery jackpot.
UNSTATEC releases official New Year’s Eve figures
The unofficial Luxembourg statistics institute UNSTATEC has released its annual set of New Year’s Eve figures. Among the highlights:
1: The amount of time, in minutes, that the average expat will spend on choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a party.
78: The likelihood, out of 100, that the bottle was chosen because the label featured the word “château” and had a golden sticker on it.
50: The percentage chance that the bottle will be opened and tasted but eventually poured down the sink drain by the host in the early hours of New Year’s Day.
12,384: The number of times in Luxembourg that, just after the clock strikes midnight, an expat will attempt to give a hug to someone at a party who is from Luxembourg or the Greater Region and will therefore be leaning in for a cheek kiss. In the confusion, the two parties will accidentally kiss on the lips.
0: The number of times the incident will be mentioned.
Total failure of a human again won’t manage to send individualised Happy New Year messages to all 173 of her friends, family members, and colleagues
Despite a whole day off work and apps at her disposal such as email, WhatsApp, Snapchat, and Messenger, a Luxembourg woman will again fail at the most basic human task of sending a personalised, funny message to all 173 of her friends, family members, and close colleagues to wish them a happy near year.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me”, she said. “Everyone else seems to manage to do it, usually between the hours of midnight and 1am. I get through writing five such messages on New Year’s Day, and I feel empty and worn out. Maybe I should live off-grid. I’m ill-equipped for modern life.”
Read more at wurst.lu
