Identifying and helping expat children dealing with loneliness

Perhaps you have recently moved house, changed country, or your child has started at a new school. It could be that they are experiencing bereavement, a friend has moved away, or something else is going on that your child hasn't shared with you. But whatever it is, it's possible that you’ve noticed a change in your kid’s behaviour.

Changes in circumstance, both big and small, can have a huge effect on our children and their mental health.

How do I know if my child is lonely? 

Lonely and alone are two rather different things. Being alone is a physical state, meaning that there are no other people around you. Some children are quite happy to be in their own company. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a psychological state which stems from feelings of isolation and lack of companionship. Individuals can of course feel lonely when they are alone; but equally, they can experience loneliness even in a room full of other people.
 
For expat children who have experienced life in different countries, cultures, or educational systems, it can be easy for them to feel like they don’t quite fit in. To be able to make friends and feel connected to their environment, children need to feel included and accepted. If they sense that they're the odd one out because they don't understand pop culture references, playground games, or even the language, it can lead to feelings of loneliness.

What are some of the symptoms that your child is struggling with loneliness?
 
Emotional signs 

• Anxiety
• Nervousness
• Reduced self-esteem
• Withdrawal
• Lack of enthusiasm  
• Avoidance of big groups
• Being mean to others

Physical signs 

• Tummy aches
• Nausea
• Changes in appetite
• Not sticking to previously set routines
• Difficulties with schoolwork and homework 
• Sleep problems – too much or too little
• Tantrums

If your child is experiencing any of the above, it's worth having a conversation and asking some questions. Choose your moment carefully, whether it's on the way home from school, just after dinnertime when they have had the chance to decompress after their busy day, or on the weekend.

Parents often fall into the trap of asking closed questions which require one-word answers, such as "Did you have a good day?" Even questions such as "What did you learn in maths today?" and "What did you eat for lunch?" might not spark conversation.  But asking children about loneliness calls for a more nuanced approach, and the answers might not be quite so easily put into words.

You might instead ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a "yes," "no," or a single word. For example, "What made you smile today?", "Did anyone do anything kind for you today?", "What was the hardest part about your day?", or "Can you tell me how you felt at lunchtime?" This type of question is likely to elicit a more detailed response and could give you clues to your child’s emotional state.

Also consider talking to other parts of your children's support network such as teachers or extra-curricular instructors. Their insight might paint a larger picture of what's going on.

How can I help my lonely child?

Loneliness doesn't have an instant fix, but we do have some tips to build up your children's resilience and help them better understand their feelings. 
 
Sharing feelings

Offer your child a safe space to explain their feelings. Show them you care by listening. If appropriate, share your past experiences of loneliness, and how you dealt with it. Simply talking to you will help them lighten the load.  
 
Journalling

If journalling is a good fit for your child, encourage them to write their feelings down or keep a sketchbook to express themselves. It can offer a helpful outlet to process and feel the emotions they might not be able to name, and that alone might already impact them positively.
 
Spending time together as family 

With modern lifestyles creating busy schedules, it can be difficult to make quality time for one another. However, it is important to make a point of spending one-on-one time so that your child feels seen and cared for. Organise a family board game night, read a story or watch a film together, and think of special activities that can show your child that you are there for them. Don't be afraid of asking them what activities they'd like to do with you, but still be open to suggesting ideas if they can't think of something.
 
Don’t let distance get in the way

Try to maintain regular contact with grandparents and other close family members who live further away. Encourage your child to keep in touch with loved ones via video calls, voice notes, or letter writing. This will help them to feel loved and cared for, not only by their immediate family, but their extended one too. And in the event that you're just not close with your extended family, build your own community of family friends! Something many expat families learn is that family is family, whether born into or chosen.
 
Virtual friendships

If your child has a best friend who they don’t see very often, organise virtual play dates or online gaming sessions. Being part of a virtual friendship can be a valuable tool, especially if the loneliness stems from a lack of physical friendships where they are currently living. And with the virtual world we live in, you can even play online games together. Not sure where to do that? Check out online game platforms like Jackbox Games or Skribbl.io, and Codenames, and even video game platforms let players game at the same time.

Trust in your child

Upon arriving in a new school, it might be tempting to ask the class teacher to set your child up with a fellow classmate in the hope they will become fast friends. However, this does not always work. It is usually a better idea to allow friendships to form naturally.

Language learning 

If language is proving a barrier to making friends, there are a few ways you can help at home. Encourage your child to read books or watch TV in the target language. Organise play dates with native speakers. Use apps such as Drops or Duolingo. Your child’s class teacher might be able to provide you with some additional resources or suggestions.

Try something new

Encourage your child to discover a new hobby, join a social group, or sign up for a sports club. Discover them through social media groups or asking at school! Activities are great ways to find a community of like-minded people with similar interests, as well as deepen a sense of belonging and make new friends.

Consider getting a pet

Many children find comfort and companionship in their family pet. If a child is struggling with loneliness, having a furry friend (or naked, scaly, leggy, or feathery...whatever makes your family happy) could provide them with a pal to play with, confide in, and cuddle.

Be aware of social media

For older children, spending a lot of time on social media can lead to feelings of loneliness or inadequacy as they compare their lives to others’. In the right context, however, joining an online group can sometimes prove beneficial. Don’t forget that parental input and surveillance are crucial in ensuring a positive online experience.

Don’t expect things to change overnight

Some children make friends easily and feel happiest when they are included in a big group. Others are more reserved or have just one or two friends at a time. Encourage your child to persevere and remind them that friendships take time to form. Just let them know that you’re with them – every step of the way.

If you child is experiencing persistent symptoms of loneliness such as anxiety or depression, consult a medical professional to be sure your child is getting help however needed.