Creating a safe space: Supporting your child's coming out

Let's start with the obvious: coming out is never easy. And coming out to your parents is even less so. For many young people, it can feel like a monumental, overwhelming task.

In today's political climate, even with growing visibility and acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community compared to past decades, coming out still often feels like too much to bear.

The fear of rejection, especially from those closest to you, remains deeply real.

This fear isn't unfounded. In recent months, anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric and policies have been gaining ground in many parts of the world. ILGA-Europe's latest Annual Review highlights a troubling rise in anti-LGBTQ+ hate speech from political leaders across Europe, with some even calling for bans on so-called "non-traditional" sexual orientations and gender identities. These messages have coincided with an increase in violent attacks against LGBTQ+ individuals, creating an atmosphere of fear and hostility.

So, if your child comes out to you – as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or simply questioning their identity – your reaction matters more than you might ever imagine.

Maybe you had a sense this day might come. Maybe there were signs, or maybe it took you entirely by surprise. Regardless of how you arrived here, your child needs one thing from you above all else: love and understanding.

Here are a few ways you can do and say to help make this moment easier for both of you.

Remain open to conversation

First and foremost, remember that coming out likely wasn't easy for your child. One of the most damaging things you can do in response is to shut down or avoid further dialogue. Even if you're unfamiliar with LGBTQ+ topics or don’t personally know anyone who identifies as such, that's okay.

What matters most is your willingness to stay open, ask questions respectfully, and truly listen. Engaging in conversation and making the effort to educate yourself about diverse sexual orientations and gender identities shows your child that you care.

You don't have to become an expert, your openness and sincerity are enough to make a meaningful difference.

Empathy and understanding are key

Coming out takes incredible courage. Your child has likely rehearsed this moment in their head over and over, imagining every possible reaction and scenario. One of the simplest yet most powerful things you can say is: "Thank you for telling me."

This small gesture acknowledges their courage and shows respect for their trust in you. At the same time, try to strike a balance between appreciating the moment and normalising it.

After all, your child hasn't changed, they're still the same person they were the day before. Their identity is just one part of who they are.

Don't make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be because sometimes, the most reassuring words are simply: "Okay. I love you."

Avoid impulsiveness and harsh words

It's normal to feel surprised or even confused. But in that moment, it's crucial to respond with care, not anger or shock. Words have power, and words spoken in haste or frustration can leave lasting scars, even potentially damage your relationship for years to come.

If you need time to process, that's okay. Just be transparent and gentle: let your child know you're not upset with them, but that you need a little time to gather your thoughts.

Importantly, avoid dismissive or belittling language. Phrases like 'It's just a phase' or 'You'll grow out of it' can be deeply hurtful, especially when your child has likely spent months (or even years) reflecting on who they are.

Respect their identity and journey

A vital part of supporting your child is respecting their identity, and their right to share it on their own terms. That means honouring their timing and trusting that they've come to this point after deep personal reflection.

Avoid saying things like 'I already knew' or 'Why didn’t you tell me sooner?'. These comments, while often well-intentioned, can unintentionally dismiss the significance and difficulty of their decision to come out.

What matters most is how you respond in the moment, not what came before it.

Take the time to ask if there's anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable. Do they prefer different pronouns or is there a name they'd like you to use? Asking these questions shows that you're not just accepting them, you're actively supporting them.

And just as importantly: never 'out' your child to others, even close friends or family members. Coming out is a deeply personal journey, and it's up to your child to decide when, how, and to whom they share their identity.