There is no such thing as perfect parenting, says Luxembourg psychologist

Parental involvement plays a vital role in children's healthy development but what is the balance between nurturing a child and “over-supporting” them?  
 
Parents that have an overly protective style, despite good intentions, are known as helicopter parents. A helpful, beneficial approach or a recipe for disaster? How important is it to ‘let them fall but be the net’? 
 
RTL Today spoke to Luxembourg psychologist, couple and family therapist Anita Balázs-Miklovicz about the concept of helicopter parenting, the reasons behind it and whether it necessarily is a bad thing? 

Is it really possible to over parent your child, being what is known as a ‘helicopter parent’?  

Yes, it is possible. In general, parents naturally strive to ensure their children's safety and wellbeing. However, it's important for children to have the independence to explore and develop on their own, without constant parental supervision. Excessively controlling parenting can hinder a child's emotional and behaviour regulation.

How do you know if you are this type of parent?  

Helicopter parenting refers to a distinctive style of parenting including the use of developmentally inappropriate, overly involved, and intrusive parenting practices. These parents provide extensive help and excessive advice and guidance in areas where children could manage on their own (such as financial or social issues), and eliminating challenges and obstacles that could otherwise serve as learning experiences for the child.

Generally, helicopter style parents have good intentions and genuinely desire the best for their children. These parents often express concerns about their children's wellbeing and may feel remorse over their own past mistakes or missed opportunities.

To prevent their children from similar negative experiences, with helicopter parenting they may push their children to seize opportunities, campaign for better prospects and experiences for them (such as higher-paying jobs or better education),and try to minimize their children's discomfort while enhancing their sense of safety and wellbeing.

What can be the reasons behind this approach to parenting?  

In general, overcontrolling behaviour is not limited to parenting styles; it can also serve as a coping mechanism in different life situations. People with this coping style might have an overwhelming belief that they must always do their best to avoid criticism and ensure emotional safety.

It may result in difficulty to slow down or relax and they might even feel an ongoing sense of pressure. They might also have poor self-esteem and/ or difficulties taking pleasure from accomplishments. They may be hypercritical of themselves or others, perfectionists and have excessive focus on details.

They also tend to have rigid rules as well as being preoccupied with efficiency. People with this coping mechanism might have come from a family with strict rules and without any flexibility. It was expected from them to perform well, and they might have experienced the lack of spontaneity, or freedom as a child. They might only have felt accepted by their parents or others when they performed and behaved well.

Is it necessarily a bad thing?  

Parental involvement plays a vital role in children's healthy development, and it is important to find a balance between supporting a child and “over-supporting” them. There are core emotional childhood needs which are crucial to be satisfied in order to have a healthy personality development and adaptive coping mechanisms.

An over-controlling parenting style prevents children from feeling competent, which is one of these core emotional needs. A child (and later as an adult) who does not feel competent may be reluctant to try new things.
 
They may view themselves as incompetent or feel ill-equipped to cope, resulting in poorer self-esteem, avoidance of uncomfortable situations, or higher levels of dependence on others. Additionally, people who grew up with this parenting style might struggle to understand and express their emotions and needs.
 
Children in different age groups need different kind of support from their parents. Parental interventions which are needed for small children could become inappropriate for adolescents. Promoting independence and nurturing adult competencies is important for this developmental era, and helicopter parenting creates obstacles for this progression. 

What can be the long-term consequences on a child?  

Helicopter parenting is associated with reduced autonomy and competence in both emerging adults and adolescents. Their autonomy is limited by the parents, leaving them with fewer opportunities to develop and practice adult competences. People who experienced this parenting style might have difficulties with confidence, anxiety, and emotional regulation.

Instead of having an inner motivation to achieve things, they pursue goals which are expected from them by others. Their self-worth might also depend on others’ evaluation. All of this could lead to dissatisfaction with life and reduced general wellbeing, and even to depression.

Are most parents like this to some extent in that they just want what’s best for their child? 

In most cases, the aim of helicopter parenting is to provide the best possible life for their children, and all parents can relate to this. Parenting is not easy, we need to regulate our own emotions first, in order to provide adequate to our children.

It is rather difficult, especially if our core emotional needs were not met as a child. In such case, children create coping mechanisms which help to reduce pain in the short run, but these don’t serve them anymore as adults. Over-controlling situations is one of these inadequate coping modes. In this way, even parents with the best intentions will make mistakes.

Are there any examples of ‘helicopter parenting’ that you have come across in your work as a psychologist?

 
I work with adults in my practice, so I see the consequences of helicopter parenting in my clients. People who experienced this parenting style use various coping mechanisms: some became overcritical with themselves and try hard to meet the internalised high standards of behaviour and performance, causing them a lot of anxiety. I also see that some of my clients tend to avoid and/or procrastinate situations, or tasks.

Furthermore, there are the ones who might seem stubborn when they feel criticised, and experience anger without expressing it openly. They might passively resist when asked to do something or when their autonomy is restricted or violated, which can cause challenges in their relationships. I usually work with them applying schema therapy, which is a very effective therapeutic method in general.

What advice can you offer about doing your best to ensure a healthy balance in your parenting style?  

First of all, there is no such thing as ‘perfect parenting’, as nobody is perfect, and children don’t need perfect parents either. Being a ‘good enough’ parent, who is loving, accepting, supporting but also makes mistakes, and can talk about it openly is perfectly enough for a child.

Parents are role models for children, they teach them how to regulate their emotions by example, that’s why it is extremely important to work on ourselves, and practise good emotional regulation techniques. If parents are balanced and have their adaptive ways to cope with challenging life situations, their children will mirror it and they will be able to do the same on their own.