In addition to setting out a pink polo shirt he last wore four years ago during a trip to Tenerife during which he also flipped up the collar – nearly blinding his family and an innocent mango vendor – he recently bought a turquoise-colored one.
“Your father has been walking around whistling,” the mother explained to her children, aged 12 and 14. “He washed his car and has already hinted that he’d like to open the sunroof as soon as it stops raining.”
“I’m afraid that his next step will be to put on a polo shirt and flip up the collar.”
“Oh, please, no,” said the daughter while her brother vacantly stared at the ceiling.
The mother reassured them, saying that she’s developed a plan to prevent him from flipping up his collar. She says she will sew his collars in place and buy him several summer shirts without collars and tell him how thin he looks in them.
When asked about the likelihood that he will shame his family this summer with his fashion choices, the father insisted that a flipped-up collar serves a functional purpose.
“It amplifies mobile phone signals,” he explained. “It turns me into a one-man radio dish that can receive messages from deep space.”
“When it rains, my upturned collar collects rain,” he continued. “In times of drought, we will use the water to sustain us and water our crops.”
“It protects my throat and neck from flying debris during storms,” he added. “Leaves, twigs, and crushed balls of paper will bounce off, leaving me unharmed and able to provide for my family.”
Uncertain if she and her children may be overreacting, the mother consulted her mother, Evelyn, who is as revered for her plum tarts and VHS cassette collection as she is her wisdom.
“Leave him be,” she concluded, adding that if she was able to survive her husband wearing Hawaiian shirts in the 1980s, the family can survive an upturned collar.
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