LUXEMBOURG-VILLE -- Chanting "eight weeks of summer holidays is seven weeks too long," hundreds of local parents took to the streets on Wednesday to demand that schools immediately reopen and "take back these sticky-faced parasites before we all go insane."

Bettembourg father Dag Linwood, 39, says he’s gone through a whole summer’s worth of activities in only a week, and that if schools don’t take back his two sons, aged six and nine, the sound of his body exploding from extreme internal pressure will be audible from as far away as Brussels.

"I used to have a head of beautiful blond hair," he said, pointing to the red bald patches on his scalp. "I can’t handle my boys any longer. They’re out to destroy me."

Arushi Singh, 46, a mother of three lycée students, insists she’s aged a full decade since schools closed last month, and that at the rate things are going, she’ll be left a frail old woman by the time September rolls around.

"It’s actually my poor kids I’m concerned about, not me," she said, hunching over, her eyes tired and bloodshot. "It would be a real shame if I had to pay someone to airdrop them over a crocodile-infested swamp to fend for themselves."

"They’re so sweet, sleeping in till noon, barely able to say ‘dunno’ when I ask about their plans for the day," she added. "So adorable I could just hug them till their apathetic little eyes pop out."

"Let’s be reasonable,"said Yvonne Goergen, 33, a mother of a five-year-old boy who has the rare ability to shout "whhhhhrrrr" and run in a circle for a full hour, as well as turn any household object into a sword. "Kids get bored during these pointlessly long summer holidays. Teachers get bored. It’s in everyone’s interest to open the schools as soon as possible."

"Either way, I’m dropping my kid off at school at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning," she added.


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