Following their success in getting customers to check themselves out, a consortium of supermarkets operating in Luxembourg have announced that you should now stock the shelves.
“You’re getting really good at doing our work for us,” said consortium president Del O’Chan. “Well, actually, you’re terrible at scanning, and it always takes you seven minutes to find the button for avocados, and sometimes you double-scan a bag of pasta and don’t even notice, which is kind of sad for you.”
“But still, you’ve made progress,” he continued. “Do you remember how in the beginning, you’d always put your shopping basket on the wrong side, and the machine would freeze because it mistakenly sensed you were trying to steal, and you’d have to wait for an employee unlock the machine even though you were in a hurry and you’d start cursing at other customers and kicking things?”
“Well, you’ve stopped kicking things, so good job,” he added.
O’Chan says that because you have shown dedication, local supermarkets would like to offer you a broader range of jobs to do, just to give you a chance to shine and show how amazing you are.
“There’s plenty of items that need to be unboxed and put on the shelves,” O’Chan said. “We just got a shipment of canned aperitif wieners, so go on, get to work.”
When you said you don’t know where the canned aperitif wieners go, O’Chan rolled his eyes, saying that of course you know where they go because you buy them all the time. They know this thanks to the loyalty card system which tracks your purchases, he said.
The consortium insists that asking you to do the work of a paid employee has nothing to do cutting costs. Rather, they say, they know you just really like helping out.
“You’re such a good worker, you really are, and mommy and daddy must be so proud of you,” the supermarkets announced in large posters placed in their entrances on Wednesday. “After you finish checking yourself out and stocking the shelves, we have a few other tasks for you to complete.”
“Mop the floors, deal with the scruffy man drinking warm beer near the entrance, and then open all the milk containers and take a whiff to make sure the milk has not spoiled,” the posters added. “Someone – we’re not going to name names, but we are looking at you – forgot to fix the refrigeration system in the storage room, but don’t worry, you’ll do it better next time.”