Pre-year 2000 the weather forecast was pretty much decided upon by a flick of a coin. One side was engraved with rain and the other with shine. It was a much simpler method for (arguably) much simpler times. These days, these millennial times, people want more. Need more. Demand more.
It is argued that in early 2001 a satellite was launched from the Grand Duchy intent on garnering far more information on the weather systems than had ever been possible in previous years. It is thought that Etienne Schneider’s real appointment to office (and subsequent resignation) was predicated on this.
The satellite, known as the Heffingen Hope, was designed by one Ms. Eaves. Dropper and was set out on a 15 year mission to record the Sun’s movements, patterns and temperament. It was at no small cost, and is alleged to have been the reason behind a small VAT/TVA hike in 2005.
It took four years for the probe to be placed in position, one year for data to be returned, one year for that to be extrapolated, and a further two for that data to be compiled into a usable weather model.
However, when the first recordings came back, scientists were amazed at what had been recorded. What they thought may be seismic recordings of solar flares, sun spots, coronal holes and proton energy, was nothing more than garbled voices. Several in fact, as if from completely different personalities.
One would sing the Crowded House ‘classic’ Everywhere You Go, on an increasingly manic loop.
One would rant incoherently about the end of Lost being a complete waste of time.
Another was prone to beginning bars to The Sun Has Got His Hat On before suddenly dropping into Slipknot’s The Heretic Anthem.
Another would only offer a challenge of a fist fight to Bruce Willis.
A fifth could be heard offering messages of love to one-hit-wonder Zoë and her smash Sunshine On A Rainy Day.
The sixth simply muttered ‘All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy’ over and over.
The seventh spoke of hatred for the moon. An unrivaled hatred, not seen or heard of since the Britpop wars between blur and Oasis.
The eighth, was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. The eighth had referenced Luxembourg by name. It spoke of drought and famine, it spoke of fear and panic. It told of there coming to pass a destruction of Sodhexo’s office and the burning of the Cheque Repas’ printing press. It warned of outrage and rioting. It foretold the end of the plat du jour.
It was swiftly decided that to prevent an international outcry and global panic, to revert to the coin and has been that way ever since.
Since Schneider left his government post, however, it appears that plans are once again afoot to relaunch the Heffingen Hope later in 2020. Using the corona crisis as a diversion tactic.
As you can see, the coin was flipped yesterday and you can read the results below.
