For 20 years now the Hospital centre in Strassen (CHL) has been organising the ceremony of stars. An evening when parents can remember the babies that died before or shortly after being born.
Stillbirth or the loss of a newborn, while not really talked about, is something that affects many parents around the world. In the CHL maternity ward alone one death is registered each week: Either before or shortly after birth.
This loss is particularly hard on the parents as it is often misunderstood in our society. Sylvie Langermann, psychologist of the neonatal unit in the CHL, explains that it is a loss unlike any other. "These babies were never born or did not make it for very long. So friends and family of the couples do not have any type of relationship to the lost child. There are no memories or experiences that can be shared."
The ceremony of stars was created by psychotherapist Christiane Steffens-Dhaussy. She has a similar view on the subject. "A baby that dies before or shortly after its birth did not exist to friends and family. This is why the parents are often alone in their grief. In our society this loss is not really recognised or relatable."
Many people also think that once the mother is past the first trimester, everything is fine, as this is the period in which most miscarriages happen. But Sylvie Langermann explains that one can miscarry up until the day before its birth. If a child unexpectedly dies during the gestational period, she initiates contact with the mother of the lost child.
Another part of her work is to accompany parents after pre-natal testing confirms that their baby is not compatible with life. As these parents must make the difficult decision whether to keep the child and risk losing the pregnancy at any moment, or risk bringing a severely disabled child into the world.
If the couple decides to terminate the pregnancy, regardless of how far along they are, the foetus must be killed inside the womb before delivery. This is usually seen as an act of mercy for the child. Then the mother needs to birth the dead baby. This is done for scientific reasons. "It's better for the mother's psyche, even if it might not seem that way", explains Sylvie Langermann. She also advises couples to hold the baby and to say goodbye after the stillbirth. This way, death becomes more tangible.
The seats are filled at the ceremony of stars in Roodt-sur-Syre. Many families here share that same fate. During the ceremony, parents can write the name of their lost child on a star and hang it up on the sky canvas. The parents that already have a star in the sky can put a flower beneath it. While the ceremony is organised by the CHL, they recieve a great deal of help from volonteers.
Make a memory
Even though these children never get a chance to live, parents should still have the chance to remember them. Therefore Martine Pinnel created the association "Stärekanner" (star children). The young photographer comes to the maternity ward with the parents and takes a picture of the stillborn before they are taken away.
In the last years she was able to do this for 47 families, but it never became a routine. It is a very emotional task for her. "To this day I remember the names of each and every baby. I am one of the very few people that gets to see these babies and I appreciate it."
The parents receive these photos for free along with a gift basket filled with toys, blankets, and hats to remember the life that was lost. "I’m a photographer but I didn’t want to take photos of random things. I wanted to do something useful for society."
In November, the CHL will also host a conference where one can learn how to handle the death of a newborn child. Experts and neo-natal personnel will talk about the topic, as well as parents who've experienced the situation first-hand.
In an interview with RTL on Sunday morning, Sarah* and Julie* talked about their experience with child loss. Read it here.
*to respect their privacy, the women’s names were changed.
