'I felt incomplete, because I left the clinic with empty arms'

This Saturday was the 'stars ceremony' at the Hospital Centre in Strassen (CHL). This is a ceremony through which they remember stillborn babies and little ones that were lost only shortly after their birth. That is where we met Sarah and Julie. They both had to make the hard decision of letting their babies go.

A decision not taken lightly

Sarah is 30 years old, and both her and her husband have always wanted a child. In April last year she was meant to bring a baby girl to the world, but during her pregnancy they noticed that something was wrong. The doctors conducted a series of tests, and found that the child had developed improperly and suffered from impairment.

At first the doctors said that it might by operable, but the baby’s health rapidly declined. For weeks Sarah and her husband had to think about whether they wanted to terminate the pregnancy. "We thought about it for a long time, one the one hand you release the child, but on the other hand you are killing it."

As they were made aware of more and more complications, Sarah and her husband made the difficult decision to let go off their baby. “She was not compatible with life, after her birth she would have been hooked up to machines and would have spent maybe two weeks with us.”

Following 30 weeks of pregnancy Sarah thus delivered a stillborn child, that had been euthanised in her womb. This was a very difficult situation for the couple and their friends and family. They were able to hold the baby for an hour, to say goodbye.

The first few weeks were very hard on the couple. "Our girl was our goal, and we lost it. We were really wondering why to get up in the morning." The support from their family around that time really helped. Now Sarah and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby in February, their baby girl will receive a brother. This makes it easier to deal with the loss.

But it is also important to talk about it. Sarah is already telling her baby about his older sister. During the ‘stars ceremony’ Sarah and her husband wrote the name of their little girl on a star and hung it up on the sky. This was a moment to say goodbye one last time.

Still a taboo subject

Julie and her husband know this situation all too well. They too had to go through it, four years ago. During the pregnancy they noticed that something was wrong, but initial tests were inconclusive and couldn't point to a specific problem. During the 7^th month they found out that their child was not compatible with life. Thus, they too were faced with a difficult decision.

"It was the worst choice I ever had to make in my life. And people did not understand it. I don’t think you get can understand, if you did not have to life through it yourself."

Just like Sarah, Julie too made the decision to see her baby before saying goodbye. “It may seem weird, but despite the tragedy it as a magical moment." The medical personal supported her through this difficult moment. "I was completely out of it, but to know that they were by my side helped immensely."

Julie then decided to take advantage of the psychological help offered by the CHL. "I knew when I left the maternity that I had not completed my journey. I felt incomplete because I left the clinic with empty arms." For months she regularly went to see the psychologist, Sylvie Langermann. She works on the neonatal floor of the maternity. Julie also came to see her during her second pregnancy.

"People did not understand my grief, they said ‘don’t worry the next child is coming’, but that second child cannot replace the first one.” Generally, people do not want to talk about this subject, because its still seen as taboo and because they are not educated on the subject.

Even though her son was a stillbirth, it was still her child, and it was a loss she had to grieve. He would be four years old now. He is buried at a ‘Bëschkierfecht’ (a natural forest cemetery) and is regularly visited by his two sisters. Julie is happy that she had two girls after this. “I already lost my son. At every pregnancy I was hoping for it to be a girl, because I did not know how I would react if I had another boy. But in the end it just needed to be a healthy child.”

*to respect their privacy, the women’s names were changed.