Potato...Batata - Spud v Ronaldo

Portuguese football star, Cristiano Ronaldo may have been half joking when he said that taking on Luxembourg for a bit of kickball was akin to playing on potato fields.

The Juventus striker has no idea how true his comments actually were.

The striker bagged his 99th international goal back in November 2019, despite having to lay his gifted feet on the topsy-turvy turf of Stade Josy Barthel.

Little did CR7 know that his curt comments were cutting remarkably close to the truth.

The potato was first introduced in Europe by Spain in 1536.

The Spanish claim that that Gonzalo Jimenez de Quesada was the first to introduce the potato to the mainland and it is suggested on certain darknet forums such as 'The Chipper' and 'Sp#DUlik3' that the Spanish may be the ones behind the elaborate rhizome plan.

But as the leading global producer of the potato is currently China, it has also thought their influence has been felt behind the scenes.

However this came to pass, the Russet charged with felling the preening icon was too star-struck to do his job. All he needed to do was get under the cushioned feet of the megastar and bring him back down to earth with a squelch.

The delightfully monickered Walter Raleigh had this to say when door-stopped by RTL reporters; "I was ready, primed, he was there, all glistening and smooth and, me, well, look at me, filthy, lumpy, knobbly..., I was like a rabbit in the headlights and I just froze, not good for a potato, and just like that....the chance was gone."

"I was supposed to fell him, starting at his awesome ankles and then bring those glorious thighs to the ground - I was going to ad-lib, something like 'you're not in Bissen now... fool' but instead as his gaze fell up on me, I went weak...I'm 80% water after all - what were we thinking?"

The plan was an elaborate one; "We'd paid off the guards, funds had been allocated from speed-camera surplus, and we were smuggled in under the guise of a box of pommes frites but instead of going to the friterie, I was carried to near the penalty box by a groundsman sympathetic to our cause. It was there that I would loiter and get the task done."

Taking cues from classic football films like Mean Machine, Goal and the fantastic Escape To Victory, Raleigh was to be escorted from the field and hidden amongst some old Gromperekichelcher so as to make his escape in the ensuing chaos.

"When an idol falls, pandemonium follows. It would only be on the replays that our nefarious plan would be revealed. Half-baked it may have been but, imagine Ronaldo calling foul and then seeing that he had been scythed down not by a well placed boot from Jans (Laurent - defender), but from little old me, and as Rodrigues (Gerson - winger) peeled away to crash in a 25 yard screamer, ol' Crizzy would be left spitting chips."

Since trying to return to the farm in Rollingen from whence he first sprouted, Raleigh has not been given the red carpet treatment.

"The entire farm has disowned me, I've let them down. I've let the country down. I may as well take myself to the chipper".

Luxembourg's football team have being having a sort of renaissance that means no team can come to the Duchy and expect an easy ride.

Ronaldo's representatives, meanwhile, have been made aware of the underhand and subterranean tactics and laughed off suggestions that CR7 had requested Raleigh and his cohorts be sent to the nearest fryer, calling for an amnesty on any starch based activity. "Cristiano respects all vegetables equally and while questions will be asked as to how and why the stadium was allowed to cultivate such dangerous lumps and bumps - and no one likes lumpy mash - we will continue to play the best football we can, whatever the state of the pitch."

RTL sources have heard that the new turf being laid down at the spanking new Gasperich stadium will be sewn with pumpkin seeds in time for the next match.