'What I hear a lot are women who feel ashamed when they want sex'

Sexuality has never been a taboo subject for Laura Hendriks. "I grew up in a family that was more in the medical field, where the body was not connected to shame. It's simply a body that functions, a mind that has to function. There were a lot of things that simply didn't exist as taboo." For the sexologist, it is clear: "You cannot work well in this field if you are stuck."

Around eight years ago, Laura Hendriks opened her own practice in the city. There, she offers various therapy options for both individuals and couples facing issues with their sexuality. In a confidential and non-judgmental setting, patients can discuss everything from impotence and libido to simple communication problems.

People of all ages, genders, and relationship statuses come through her practice's doors, but common problems often arise. "Usually they come for sexual dysfunction. This is not a disease, but it means that people are not functioning sexually in the relationship as they wish."

In men, these issues are classically erection or ejaculation problems, while women often experience pain during penetration. Both sexes may also struggle with achieving orgasm or worry about having too much or too little desire for sex. Additionally, some people seek help because they are uncertain about their sexual orientation or their identity.

© Sarah Cames / RTL

What is actually 'normal'?

Laura Hendriks believes society has a paradoxical relationship with sexuality. On one hand, sex is taboo, yet society is also hypersexualised. While there is a lot of talk and humour about sex, people are reluctant to discuss their actual problems. This leaves many without any reference points for what a "normal" sex life looks like.

"Most people think they're completely weird. What I hear a lot are women who feel ashamed when they want sex. They say to themselves: 'That's not normal. Why am I more interested than him?'" In fact, contrary to societal stereotypes, there is no significant difference in libido between men and women.

"Basically, what they do is healthy, representative of what most people do. But because they don't talk about it, they don't know, and then they compare it to beliefs that are based on nothing."

As a basis for the "norm," the sexologist looks at what happy couples do: intimacy. However, it doesn't always have to be the full programme. If it is "the full programme," the average duration of penetration is between 5 and 8 minutes. "That's not nothing, but it's not nearly as long as what people expect, and the performance pressure they put on themselves." Regarding masturbation, people experience an orgasm between three and five times a week, whether alone or with a partner.

All this should not be understood as a checklist. Even the idea of sharing every aspect of one's sexuality with a partner is often rather wishful thinking. "We don't get along with our mirror image and we need a little tolerance," says Laura Hendriks.

But even her patients are not always interested in turning their fantasies into reality. "The threesome is the top fantasy for both men and women, but few people in a relationship want to implement that." What seems exciting in one's own head could have very real negative consequences in real life. "If I open the relationship, there are of course risks involved. Keeping the fantasy theoretical can also protect it at the same time."

Sex is not everything

But even with a sexologist, everything is not just about sex. Laura Hendriks also helps couples outside the bedroom. "I always tell people that they should never stop dating. Even if they are in a relationship, it's good to do something with each other once a month. It doesn't matter if you have kids or not, or work a lot or not." Even small gestures - a kiss, holding hands... - make a big difference in everyday life.

Laura Hendriks also helps families through difficult times. "The transition phase from a couple to a family is something I work with a lot. There are two of us, we're going to be three. We're much more tired. How do we find a new balance?" When children are involved, existing problems can resurface, but this can also be an opportunity for the couple.

© Caleb Oquendo via Pexels

"Relationship and sexuality require an enormous mastery of one's emotions, the recognition of one's emotions, the recognition of one's limits, the expression of them, and seeing that one gets through it - no matter how the other interacts. That sounds extremely easy now, but it is extremely difficult," says Laura Hendriks.

Even if sex were no longer a taboo subject and dealing with it became more open, certain problems would always remain. There is always room for education, the sexologist finds. "Mathematics is not a taboo topic either, but it has to be taught to people."