This testimony relates to one individual’s experience. As this is an ongoing legal case, full anonymity has been granted to both parties and no details have been included that would identify either side. Readers should be aware that details outlined in the article have been refuted by the accused.
Recent research has shown that 26% of Ukranian refugee women abroad have experienced physical or sexual abuse. A statistic that represents a quarter of women. But how many more cases go unreported?
Fleeing the raging war in her country, Inna* came to Luxembourg almost a year ago. Deeply traumatised by the situation unfolding in her beloved Ukraine, she escaped to Luxembourg in the hope of finding safety. She had a vision of finding some sense of security and being able to build a peaceful life - away from rockets and bombs.
Instead, she was preyed upon, exploited and abused, emotionally, physically, by the person who had offered to be her host. The person who vowed to protect and help her at a hugely vulnerable time in her life.
Here she tells her story.
“We met a few months after I came to Luxembourg. He was introduced to me as a great supporter of Ukraine. He works for an international company in Luxembourg and was a supporter of Ukraine, speaking out about the injustice, standing up for Ukraine,” Inna says.
“Frankly speaking, I was a little bit upset and disappointed when I fled the war to Europe. I realised that people are not that involved, which is OK, but they live in this ‘grey zone’.”
“People say ‘We don’t know all the information, we don’t know the history, we don’t know who attacked first, we don’t know what happened back in 2014.’ While I, a refugee, was running; I was fleeing the war. For me it was quite clear who is the aggressor and who is the victim. So, when I met him, I kind of found a friend. I finally found a person who could understand me and I didn’t have to justify my position or explain anything because he knew it all very well. Here he was, Mr Big, let’s say,” referring to the partner of Carrie Bradshaw in US drama Sex and the City, "... who not only shared my values, but shared my position. He was very much caring at the beginning.”
“First of all, we started out as friends. But very fast - and this was the first red flag - he started talking about feelings, relationships etc. He began to be intrusive with his feelings. The relationship moved quite quickly and on Monday we went on our first date and he told me he had a crush on me, and by Friday he told me he loved me.”
“I didn’t take it seriously. I believe in actions and not words. You can say whatever you want. But, of course, I liked him and I started to have feelings for him. He told me that he understood my predicament in being a refugee, fleeing the war with nowhere to live. He suggested I move in with him. ‘I can be your host and you can stay in my apartment. You need to have registration here to obtain all the documents’, he told me.”
Inna asked for time to consider the offer, as she says she was not quite there at the time, as she was coming out of another relationship.
“He was pushing, pushing, pressing, pressing. ‘I don’t understand, what you are waiting for’ he said. In the middle of July, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I said ‘OK, if it’s still an option, let’s move in together. Let’s keep it slow’.”
“I had planned to visit Poland, and a few days after I left, I got a phone call from him telling me that he could not be without me and he was going to join me in Poland. So, I said ‘OK, why not?’ He came, we had a great time.”
Next stop, Ukraine. Here, Inna introduced him to her mother. She offers some context around her decision to introduce her boyfriend to her parents so early in the relationship.
“There is a war going on and I just never know what is going to happen to my parents and I wanted them to know who I was with in Luxembourg. My mother always accepts my choices, but she warned me ‘to please be careful’. My mother later explained that it was, because she saw he was criticising me in front of them. So, I started feeling like something was wrong. He was talking more and more about himself. He started talking about his ex-girlfriend, criticising her. He said thank God he found me, because I was going to take care of him.”
“I had the feeling that something was wrong. On the way back from Ukraine on the train we had to make a transfer in Poland. He asked me to change the SIM card in his phone from a Ukrainian to a Luxembourgish one. As I was doing this, I accidentally dropped the SIM card and lost it as it is tiny and you cannot see it. He started yelling at me straight away, humiliating me in front of the other passengers. He was really brutal. I realised then that I was in trouble, but I was already in too deep. I was coming back to Luxembourg with him and I had nowhere to go, no place to live.”
Living together, Inna said, was generally fine for a while, despite witnessing the flashes of anger. However, there was always a sense of foreboding that something was going to happen. And then things started unravelling. His moods yo-yoed with him going from sheer adoration of Inna to vile criticism of her.
“He provided me with more information about his childhood, about his background, about his relationships, about his habits. He had addictions, but he said that was over. We were already living together and I think this is something you should explain at the beginning, when you invite someone to live with you.”
“I started feeling like he was psychologically abusing me, criticising me, always comparing me to anyone and everyone. He told me ‘I drink because you make me, I drink because you upset me. You are not going to find a job because no one needs you here and you are a refugee’.”
Having recovered from an episode of depression after fleeing the war, Inna said, the creeping signs of the disease became evident once again.
After confiding in her psychologist, the professional confirmed that it was, indeed, psychological abuse, urging Inna to leave and to find a place to stay.
However, Inna, said she felt stuck.
“My freelance job wasn’t enough to rent any place in Luxembourg. The only possibility was to go back to Ukraine, but with the war, it wasn’t an option. I could have stayed at my friend’s, but it would have been temporary and I couldn’t have lived on their couch forever. My plan was to find an income on which I would be capable of renting.”
So, Inna formulated a plan. She said she would give herself a couple of months to find extra work and save some money to allow her to escape the situation that was becoming increasingly treacherous with each passing day.
Seeing more and more of the dark side of her boyfriend’s personality, Inna said the situation took a huge toll on her emotional wellbeing.
“The abuse started getting worse. He would flip out over nothing. He turned into a monster, a completely different person. He would twist the situation to make it my fault. I was responsible for his state, for his feelings, for his emotions, for his anger, for his aggression.”
There were still peaceful periods in which he was supportive and understanding about Inna’s status as a refugee.
“He even proposed PACS after three months, but I could see that he used it as a tool of manipulation. It was a leverage for him. The PACS was on the table, off the table, on the table, off the table. It depended on how I behaved. But I refused to PACS with him and told him I may be a refugee but I have my dignity.”
Editor’s note: The civil partnership (PACS) is a form of union that exists in Luxembourg since 1994. It is a legal and less restrictive alternative to marriage and is available for both heterosexual and same-sex couple. More information can be found on Guichet.lu
“In his aggressive periods, he would insult me saying ‘you are only a refugee’, ‘you will never make a life here’, ‘you are so lucky to have me’, ‘who would you be without me?’.”
Inna said her confidence suffered and, as is often the case, the effects of domestic abuse permeated all areas of her life.
“I couldn’t recognise myself anymore. I was becoming aggressive. I was nervous all the time. I was anxious all the time. I was ready for attack. If I was provided with negative feedback at work I would take it personally. I got used to living in conditions of constant criticism. In this state, I was incapable of finding a job. He needed attention and when he didn’t get it, he went crazy. He was jealous about my past, my ex-boyfriend that I had broken up with.”
Inna, who describes herself as a feminist, said he would taunt her with his rigid views on a woman’s place. “I am a man, you are a woman, and you have to do whatever I say, because this is how the world works. You have no rights because you are a woman,” he would tell her.
Things hit another low when, during an outburst, he decided that she owed him money for the lodgings he had provided to her as a refugee.
“After inviting me to live in his home and to be my host, he told me that I owed him €5,000 for the accommodation [that] he had provided for me.”
Things escalated badly around Christmas in what was to be the final straw for Inna, when the abuse turned physical.
Inna said it was a bitter December evening when things took a turn for the worst. She remembers sensing his agitation that evening and knew immediately that “something was coming.”
After a disagreement, she tried to leave, but he blocked her in the doorway and refused to let her pass, grabbing her and yelling, she recalled.
“I made my escape barefoot out the door in the December rain and cold, carrying my shoes in my hands. I went to the train station and got the train to Luxembourg City. All the time he was texting me and insulting me. He used all the tactics, blackmailing, threatening, begging. This is when I knew it was over. I told him: ‘I will move out and that is it’.”
However, later that night, with no place to go, Inna arrived back with her ex waiting for her at the train station.
“He grabbed my phone out of my hands and dangled it over the train tracks like he was about to drop it. He accused me of ‘traumatising’ him. He threatened to commit suicide, saying it would be all my fault. He said he wanted me to suffer and feel guilty for the rest of my life. He threw me against a wall and he put his hands around my neck and started choking me.”
Inna recalled that only for passers-by he stopped but she doesn’t know what might have happened. With no place to go, Inna had no choice but to spend one last night at her ex’s home and was determined to leave the following morning.
However, back at the apartment, she said, things escalated once more and resulted in her being assaulted again.
The next day, Inna understood that no matter what, she could not remain there for her safety.
“I rang the Police hotline for victims of domestic violence. I called them twice and no one picked up. I then called my colleague to tell her ‘If I don’t text you this evening, please call the police, because then he has done something to me’. My colleague insisted that I stay at her house.”
The following day Inna alerted the police, who she said were very supportive. They met her at the property and accompanied her inside allowing her to gather her belongings in safety. That day, she left for the last time.
However, despite blocking him on all social media as well as on email and phone, he still managed to make contact pleading and begging her to reconsider.
“He was very determined to get me back. He said he was wrong, but I was wrong, too.”
During the six month-relationship, Inna attempted to leave the relationship five times.
“It’s not that I had any illusions that anything was going to change. I just knew that I wasn’t ready to leave. I don’t like playing this victim card and I don’t see myself as a victim.”
Inna said she feels compelled to speak out about her harrowing experience at the hands of her supposed host.
“He abused me, he hit me, it was domestic violence.”
She confirmed that she has filed a complaint about the abuse, and encourages anyone who is going through a similar situation to speak up.
With a strong educational background, Inna says she knew a lot about domestic abuse before meeting this person. “No one has an insurance against domestic abuse even well-educated, strong, smart women.”
Speaking of Ukranian refugee women in particular, Inna says: “Women can think that this is normal. Or they may be afraid to talk about it, because they have nowhere to go, because they are refugees. Because of that I don’t want to stay silent. I want to talk about it. It’s often much closer than you think. He was a nice guy, but behind closed doors he turned into a monster.”
Inna says she is now doing “way better” and has stopped “being scared” after leaving the situation. Despite being deeply marked by what she has been through, she is determined to raise awareness of domestic abuse.
“The price of not saying anything is too high.”
The police urge anyone who has been victim of violence perpetrated by someone you live with, or if you have witnessed such violence being inflicted on someone close to you, to contact them immediately or go to the police station of your choice. Where possible, women will be seen by a female officer.
The Domestic Violence Victim Support Service is reachable by telephone on 2060 1060, seven days a week from 12 pm – 8 pm.
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* Name has been changed.
The case discussed here is ongoing, and until a verdict is reached, all parties are presumed innocent. In this article, Inna shares her perspective, but it’s important to note that this represents only one side of the story. Readers are reminded to consider this while the legal process unfolds.
