An expat who had been looking forward to the upcoming coronation of HRH Guillaume has expressed disappointment with much of the weekend-long programme.

“A series of public appearances, a tour of the country, and amicable meetings with nurses and craftsmen?” said Gary Oleander. “What about jousting? Exotic fire breathers wearing snakes on their necks?”
 
“And where is the bejeweled crown, passed down through the centuries and rumored to carry a curse?” he added. “I’ve read that there isn’t any crown whatsoever.”
 
Oleander says that coronations must start with a few moments of solemnity while jealous siblings look on and plot ways to steal the throne. This is followed by a raucous, gaudy affair with lots of feasting, servants rushing around to deliver food and goblets of wine and beer, all while a wily jester dances around and playfully insults attendees or even the newly crowned monarch himself.
 
“If I don’t see photos of at least one platter with a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth, I’ll be hugely disappointed,” he said.
 
The expat says that if he were in charge of the event, the likes of which has not been seen since the year 2000 when HRM Grand Duke Henri took the throne, he would do things right.
 
“First, we’d have a proper abdication, not a peaceful one meticulously planned months in advance with the full knowledge and consent of the parliament and other officials,” he said. “We’d have a late-night escape – a frenzied horse ride to a neighboring kingdom and a plea for refuge.”
 
“And even if we already know who’s taking the throne, we need to be led into believing that it’s uncertain and will be the outcome of nefarious plotting, subterfuge, and a chalice of wine offered under the pretense of peace, but in reality…” he continued, making a gagging noise for added effect.
 
Oleander also says that while he’s excited by the lineup of musical acts that will perform in the Glacis, the drone show, and the illuminated tram cars escorting the newly enthroned grand duke and grand duchess, it all feels too high-tech and “rather misses the point.”
 
“What I’d like to see is the new grand ducal couple ride through town in a regal horse-drawn carriage and toss trinkets and silver coins to cheering onlookers,” Oleander said.
“The grand duchess could order the coachman to stop so she could step outside, walk up to a peasant child with dirty cheeks, and pinch them while saying, ‘oh, aren’t you adorable.”
 
“Simple, old-timey, and totally aligned with my expectations as an outsider whose perception of such events has been totally formed by movies and TV series.”

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