Frustrated by the frequent dumping of public Vel’oh bicycles, VDL officials have announced they will be replaced by a new model that will immediately explode if it senses the user is going to abandon it.

“No matter where you go in Luxembourg City and its surroundings, you often see Vel’oh bikes discarded on the side of the road, left in construction sites, or propped up against random walls,” said Vel’oh spokesperson Francine Kruise. “That’s because some cretin, who half the time hasn’t even paid to use the bike and instead found a way to force it out of the stand, has decided he’ll let someone else return the bike to the station.”

“Not anymore, not with the Vel’oh Abandon-Proof Series,” Kruise continued. “The moment this selfish jerk begins to step away, the bicycle explodes, scaring the asshat half to death and ideally causing him to wet himself.”

“The perpetrator will have learned his lesson, and innocent passersby will get to enjoy a free show and the satisfaction that justice has been served.”

Each model has been equipped with a high-tech Sad Sensor, which immediately indicates if the user is planning on coming back – or not.

“Much in the same manner as a pet just has a hunch if its owner is going to leave it at a shelter, these bicycles are what we might call sensitive, and they just kind of, well, know,” she said.

Officials say that if the program works, they will consider introducing other self-destruct sensitive items to the public.

“Cigarette butts, beer cans, broken umbrellas – anything that careless people plan on just tossing on the ground, they can all be fitted with a Sad Sensor and explode before the act occurs,” said Kruise.

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