Admitting that there never was a good reason for the month to be there in the first place, officials have decided to get rid of November after 2068 years of miserable existence.

The decision currently only applies to Luxembourg, but because no one actually likes November, with its darkening skies, gloom, and raininess, it is likely that the EU will soon follow suit by abolishing the month.

“November just ended up there on the Julian calendar in Roman times because they needed something to fill the gap between October, which offers autumnal charm and pretty leaves that change colors, and December, which gives us winter beauty and Christmas markets,” said Steve Joreszait, chief timekeeper for the Grand Duchy.

“The sixteenth-century dunces behind the Gregorian calendar had a chance to fix the problem, but they were too busy burning heretics or trying to end a plague or whatever to give it much thought,” he continued. “So more than two thousand years later after that jerk Julius Caesar first burdened us with November, we were still stuck with it.”

“Good riddance, cruel month,” he added.

Aware that the bad weather, dreary feelings, and souring moods will remain even if the name does not, officials have said that during the 30-day period from October 31 to December 1, no one except pizzeria employees and WeDely drivers will be required to work. Everyone else will be encouraged to sit on the sofa all day, sip warm drinks, and play games.

The only real problem with the plan, say officials, is that because approximately one-twelfth of all residents are used to celebrating their birthdays during the period formerly known as November, those people might feel they have been robbed.

Moreover, because a majority of those people are Scorpios, known for wanting to exact revenge on those who have wounded them, officials fear some kind of retribution, whether political or otherwise.

“Anyone who had the utter misfortune to be born during that month, the one whose name we may no longer say, will be given the chance to move their birthdays to any date between March 21 and April 19,” Joreszait said. “These dates fall under the sign of Aries, and those people are known to be just as stubborn and wacky as Scorpios, so we’re sure they’ll get on very well.”

“Also, we are going to issue residents born during the month of melancholy a twenty-euro gift card for Amazon,” he said. “Buy yourself something nice, and just be thankful for what we’ve done.”


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