I be enjoyin’ me new home of Luxembourg City, for it be a nice place in spite of not havin’ a sea. And yet, to tell the truth, there be somethin’ that vexes me a great deal.

Ye be a country of many tongues, an international land, with people from all the corners of the globe who speak in every manner and with every accent.

Imagine this. Durin’ me first days here, I decide to take a train to the northern lands to visit one of your castles. To catch a train, you must go to the train station, says I.

In the street I encounter a young woman with finer piercings and tattooage than any pirate ever did have. I says, excuse me, missus, could you kindly tell me where I might find the Garrrgh?

The missus looks at me with a twinkle of amusement in her eye and asks me to repeat me self. So I says, missus, the Garrrgh, I’m lookin’ for the Garrrgh.

She bursts into laughter, and I leave her be. I may be a crusty buccaneer who’s fed many a man to the fish, but I still have got to protect me feelings from a cruel wench like that one.

So I find a new person, a passing gentleman with splendid clothes, a silk cravat, and a confident gait like a true man of knowledge. Says I, good sir, where’s the Garrrgh?

This scurvy dog smiles but does not answer, as if me words had been uttered in jest. Says I to him, you son of a biscuit eater, where can a salty pirate such as me self find the Garrrgh?

The scabby sea bass also laughed. Says I to him, avast you scallywag and be gone before I send you to Davy Jones’s locker. Blimey, me words sure set him alight, and as he walked away he howled and kept singin’ me words like some kind of chantey.

I tried my luck with a few others, but it was always the same mockery. For the life of me, I can’t understand why the people of Luxembourg City be laughin’ when I ask for directions to the Garrrgh. It piques me greatly, so I’m thinking of moving outside of the capital where people are nicer, maybe Basch-arrrgh-age or Diff-arrrgh-dange.

Robert “Deadboot” Hayley has lived in Luxembourg for six weeks and still has not found anyone who will give him directions to the Gare.

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