During the past several months, Luxembourg health professionals have seen a spike in the frequency of these previously obscure medical problems.

Petrol neck

A form of whiplash caused by repeatedly bobbing your head as you watch gas prices go up and down. And up and down. And up.

Treatment: take public transport twice a day and let energy prices magically become someone else’s problem.

Non-buyer’s soreness

A persistent, dull pain in the gluteus maximus from frequently kicking oneself in the butt from not having bought property when it was halfway within the realm of a remote possibility.

Treatment: take out a loan for your very own Luxembourg City parking space (estimated value €150,000) so one day you’ll be able to say to yourself, your kids, and your grandkids, “Well, it’s something.”

Inflation delirium

Confusion upon seeing that a pack of four mettwurst now costs nearly 10 euros. Dizziness when you realize the same pack cost €7.50 just six months ago. Panic when you realize it was five euros a year ago.

Treatment: Buy 500 cans of Vienna (i.e. canned) sausages which, according to some people, will never go bad. Consume when needed.

Bettel blushing

Sudden redness of the face when you’re with a group of people and they all show off their selfies with Xavier Bettel and ask to see yours – but you haven’t got one.

Treatment: say, “I once saw Lydie Polfer sitting at a bus stop,” which only offers temporary relief, but that’s all you need because someone will soon change the topic.

Expat’s aphasia

A gradual decline in the ability to speak any language as you have diminished contact with people from your home country, yet you’ve made almost no progress with the local languages.

Treatment: spend two to three hours speaking to yourself every day, as you are the most interesting, articulate person you know, after all.

Traffic throat

Scratchy, sore throat caused by being stuck behind a terribly selfish driver who has the nerve to wait more than half of a second to move after the light turns green, obliging you to shout, “Go, dammit!”

Treatment: alternate between shouting, honking, and waving your arms wildly.

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