Explaining that you can only tolerate grey skies for so long before losing your mind, Luxembourg has announced the construction of a giant temple to appease the sun god.
The 97-meter-tall edifice will be built on 4.5 hectares of land near Hesperange, and the entire structure will be covered in gold, say officials.
Schoolchildren will be invited to stand near the base and cry, while the country’s most melancholic residents will be allowed to climb to the top and beg, behaviour which might attract the notice of the sun god who could then have pity.
“We don’t know if thou are a god, a goddess, a demigod, or an omnipotent sky diva who controls the clouds with theatrical finger snaps,” said project leader Laura Brocken, standing on the construction site and speaking through a megaphone into the sky on Wednesday. “But whatever we did to anger thee, we are sorry.”
“We would like to formally ask thee to bring back the sunshine,” she continued. “And we’re not talking about a day of sun followed by twenty days of rain, no, we want a proper two-week stretch of blue skies and UV rays.”
“As evidence of our desire to please thee, we are building thee a temple,” she added. “If our gesture is too antiquated and does not please thee, please let us know before we begin construction. If thou give us thy IBAN, we’ll transfer thee money instead.”
To help offset the €200-million price tag, officials are considering leasing parts of the interior to be used as office space.
“Lots of companies would love to relocate to the Luxembourg sun temple,” said one excited property agent. “Imagine how cool it would be if the sun god descended one afternoon to use the toilet.”
However, not everyone is open to the idea of using the temple for commercial purposes.
“The pyramid must be pure, free of sponsorship and commercial activities,” says Soraya Kastkuti, who last saw the sun in August during a trip to Tunisia. “We can’t mess this up. Please, I’m desperate.”
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