Following an increase in the number of bicycles stolen at night from garages, cellars, and storage spaces, police are recommending that Luxembourg residents lock their bikes to themselves while they sleep.

“A woman in Luxembourg City had her bike stolen from her balcony – on the fifth floor,” said police spokesperson Marco Trausch. “In Bascharage, someone swiped a sweet Trek from a kitchen – locked to the radiator.”

“How are these thieves doing it,” he continued. “No idea. Shrinking themselves to fit through keyholes? Levitating?”

Trausch says despite the best efforts of police to take such thefts seriously, most victims will never see their bikes again.

“Bike owners need to take matters into their own hands,” he said. “The best thing is to lock your bike to a fixed and sentient being, ideally yourself.”

“You don’t need to put it in your bed, but if you want to cuddle and get cozy with your bike, that’s entirely up to you,” he continued. “There are currently no laws against that sort of thing.”

“We do advise you to use a high-quality chain,” he added. “Wrapping it around your belly is ideal.”

While some bicycle owners say they feel police should devote more resources to catching the cross-border gangs responsible for thefts, others say they appreciate being given the green light to take their relationships with their bikes to the next level.

“It’s always bothered me to be so far away from Bikey at night,” said Miguel Rueda, 34. “My true love, all alone in the dark and damp garage.”

“Unfortunately, my girlfriend’s sleeping spot will be relocated to the sofa in the living room,” he added. “But that’s fine because now she’s closer to her true love, True Crime Documentary on Netflix.”

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