As part of a new rebranding effort to make Luxembourg more attractive, especially to people who come from warmer climates, officials have announced a plan to relocate the entire country to the Mediterranean Sea.

“The rain, grey skies, temperatures always hovering around 11 degrees, it’s just a real downer,” said Thierry Schein, head of Lëtzsmile, the agency tasked with promoting happiness in the Grand Duchy.

Officials briefly considered building a giant artificial sun to be suspended above the country, but that would require an exorbitant amount of electricity, they say, which would go against recent green initiatives.

After the Chamber of Deputies voted 60-0 in favour of the move, it was just a matter of getting the Grand Duke to sign off on it and Prime Minister Xavier Bettel to take a few thousand selfies with everyone involved.

The plan is to move the entire 2,586-square-kilometre landmass to a spot near the Balearic Islands, 55 kilometres off the coast of the Spanish mainland and within swimming distance of Mallorca.

“Linguistically, it won’t post much of a challenge for most Luxembourgers, since German is the official language of Mallorca anyway,” Schein said.

The primary challenge is to figure out how to move the country without disturbing any elderly resident’s garden or harming property values.

The idea that has received the most support is to dig all of Luxembourg up, carefully slide it onto a giant flatbed truck, and drive it to Marseilles where it can be loaded on a cargo ship or possibly attached to floaters and a little motor so it can just transport itself.

While the total cost of the project is greater than the GDP of Germany, France, and Belgium combined – and not to mention that such a move would bankrupt any mortal country – officials insist they’re taking a long-term approach to the Luxembourg brand promise.

“While ‘Let’s Make it Happen’ isn’t bad, many of us felt that ‘It’s Always Sunny in Luxembourg’ sounds a lot better,” Schein said.

Some residents initially voiced concerns about the plan, particularly cross-border workers who feared potential 24-hour commutes. However, the Ministry of Mobility and Public Works has stated that the new free-transport initiative will include daily flights to the Mediterranean location from Trier, Thionville, and Arlon.

One important question that remains to be answered is where to construct Luxembourg’s new port. Many think it should be located in Esch, in the south of the country, due to the large population of rough sailor and dockhand types already living there.

Credit: Commons / JP Gomez