Each year, thousands of hardworking residents are struck by the realization that they will never be able to buy a home in Luxembourg. Sadly, few of these people get the support they need. If one day you realise that the only way out is to buy a house deep in the Ardennes where stray dogs outnumber villagers, it’s important that you familiarise yourself with the five stages you’ll pass through.


What? 850,000 euros for 72 square meters, two tiny bedrooms, and an exterior that looks like a cat got sick on it? And it’s not even in Luxembourg City. That can’t be real? Funny joke, Mr. Real Estate Agent. Where’s the hidden camera?


Robbery! Trickery! Fraud! Who is behind this nonsense? Which cabal of evil overlords inflated the market to this point? If any of my smug friends who bought a home 10 years ago tells me how little they paid, I will literally punch them in the throat.


Wait, there’s got to be a way to get enough money to buy a home in Luxembourg. We’ll sell the car. And the kids. And who needs to eat? Prisoners in some parts of the world get by very well with a cup of rice a day. We can rent out the two bedrooms. We’ll sleep in the garage. Oh, but the house doesn't come with a garage. A tent, in the garden. Oh, that’s right. No garden.


We’ve been renting for 15 years. With all that money, we could be halfway through paying off a home loan. Now everything is too expensive. Life is a misery. What’s that? The landlord just raised the rent by 200 euros a month? That’s okay. I don’t care. Here, suck out some more of my blood. I’ll make the incision. Where’s the scalpel?


Right, it is what it is. Many people lead happy lives even if they end up buying a home over the border. Four hours of commuting every day isn’t that bad. You can almost finish a whole audiobook in that time. Or write a novel. Learn to speak Mandarin. Or design a hyperloop for Luxembourg. Or take up dancing, yes, salsa dancing on the train. The possibilities are endless.

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