Every time there is an article on the local news about a young person having done something bad, I notice frequently that most of the comments on social media are against the parents. The parents failed... it is the parents' fault... the family is to blame and so on.
It is not only the tendency to hold parents responsible for nearly every outcome in their child's behaviour but it is the immediate reaction without knowing the background, the circumstances and without knowing the story from all sides.
The examples can be endless: from more 'simple' ones – a shy kid, a picky eater, a child who cries and throws tantrums often that can attract judgement – to the more 'complicated' ones: a teenager who has made a bad choice.
All seems to get tracked back to the parents: they fail/failed to raise their child correctly.
The speed at which readers criticize on social media is also something worth noticing. It is done too fast and in the majority of the cases without knowing the story from all parties involved.
The reasons why today seems that parenting is under the microscope vary Some include:
Social media and the expert economy: Parental advice seems to come non stop from thousands of self acclaimed experts and from those that know how to work with algorithms well on social media. Parents see they may not do everything as these experts say and they feel guilt... or even become depressed, making it harder to deal with everyday life.
Comparison culture: We all see on our feed the 'perfect families', the well behaved and dressed kids, the geniuses that rock their academic performance, the super tidy homes; sometimes we also see some of the reality: the failures, the untidy rooms, but it all comes down to comparison.
Conflicting advice: Parents often come across conflicting advice... and let's admit it: sometimes parents are lost...
Blaming and judgment go beyond the 'I just made a comment on a Facebook post', it occasionally borders on public shaming...
Parents nowadays are overworked, stressed, dealing with the unknown (eg the impact of AI in our lives) and are continuously criticized. What is even more sad is that they are mostly criticized by other parents who could also struggle in their daily lives.
We seem to forget that raising a child really involves a village. A child is not only a member of a family but also a member of a whole society.
There are other possible negative outcomes of judgement: one that can cause harm is 'parenting for an audience'. Decisions start to be shaped by 'how will this look' rather than by 'what does my child really need'.
Of course no one can deny that a lot of things start in the family. Parents need to educate their children and be active in their upbringing. But parents are human too.
Parents can set boundaries especially with unsolicited advice: a simple 'we have got this figured out in our family' can close a conversation without escalating it.
Parents can seek out supportive communities. They do exist.
Normalize the bad days: struggling is not the same as failing... it's simply a part of raising another human being.
Lean on support with a proper therapist or parenting coach instead of reading unsolicited advice or comments on social media.
The question though remains: How we can all learn to be less judgemental and more empathetic? How can we learn to stop reacting fast especially without knowing the full story?
