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After years of spending far less on defense than stipulated by NATO, Luxembourg has announced that it will immediately reach the threshold by purchasing a single nuclear submarine.
According to sources, the founding NATO member only spent 0.72 percent of its GDP on defense in 2023, although member states agreed in both 2006 and 2014 to commit at least two percent annually. The next-lowest NATO spender, Belgium, still allocated 1.13 percent of its GDP to defense, while Greece spent nearly three percent of its GDP on defense and Poland spent nearly four percent.
Officials hope the purchase will end years of Luxembourg getting the side-eye at NATO summits as well as put a halt to snarky comments from randos on the internet.
"The single purchase of the €1.6 billion Los Angeles-class submarine more than triples our defense spending for the entire year," said Belvin Losch, head of special procurement for the government.
"And considering the high salaries and the exorbitant cost of services like automotive repair and car washes in the country, keeping this thing crewed, maintained, and cleaned will ensure we spend the required two percent for years to come," he continued.
"It's a nice sub and will surely require some very expensive wax to keep it shiny," he added.
While some say that the purchase of the 110-meter-long submarine follows the letter but not the spirit of NATO guidelines, officials say they believe it does show Luxembourg is willing to pull out its wallet.
When asked where the submarine will be docked, the official explained that the state should have no trouble finding space for it in Lake Echternach, which is also why the vessel is going to be named the NS Echternach.
"It may seem a bit small for such a large submarine, which incidentally can dive to depths of 450 meters while the lake is not more than a few meters deep, but we have full confidence that the eventual crew will get it to fit in snugly."
"Many of us drive long cars, not unlike submarines and nearly as expensive, and yet we manage to park even in tiny spaces," he said. "Personally, I have only bumped my car twice while trying to get out of Parking du Théâtre, which is exceptional considering that the average Luxembourg City driver scratches her car there 9.3 times per year."
In case of need, the official explains, the submarine could be loaded onto a very large truck or possibly towed by several farming tractors and transferred to the Moselle River where it could, in theory, navigate to the Rhine and eventually find its way to the North Sea and beyond.
