Two weeks ago, Judge Charlotte came down in favour of a husband who wanted to keep his precious car. The second case brought before the Judge focuses on another marital dispute, as she is asked to weigh in on whether a wife should be forced to stick to her own rule on banning technology from the bedroom.
While the husband claims to have stuck to the rule, the wife stands accused of having given up with the swiftness of carrier pigeon assigned to haul pig iron. Which is to say that she gave up quickly, as the bird would, rather than suggesting that the bird would be able to carry a pig iron for a long distance and at great speed; which would display qualities opposite of that shown by the wife in this case.
Perhaps not the best metaphor, so it’s a good thing that the role of the clerk (yours truly) ends here, as the Judge takes over.
This case was brought to us by a nameless husband, whom for the purposes of this adjudication we will refer to as Bob. He brought the case against his wife, who we will call Amy. We will start with Bob’s arguments, followed by those of the defendant. If you wish, you can skip straight to Charlotte’s ruling below.
Amy’s defence:
Let’s be blunt, shall we? This case boils down to sex and procreation.
Amy suggested to put away their phones when going to bed a few years ago and I think that there was one single reason for it: she wanted to get intimate because she wanted to have a baby.
Her suggestion to turn off their phones in the bedroom was merely a euphemism for her actual request: give me some good old lovin’. Why do I believe this to be true? Because a few days later she was back on her phone, ánd they now have a child. Put two and two together…! Her mission worked.
Now that that Bob wants her to reinstate the ‘no phone-rule’ I can’t help but wonder: is this truly about him wanting her to stick to her end of the deal, for the sake of the deal? I think this is now his euphemistic way of saying he wants some attention in the sack. And maybe Bob is also hoping to have another child as a result of it.
It is a little worrying that this couple apparently needs to resort to ‘no phone rules’ in order to get things going in the bedroom. What’s keeping Bob from grabbing the phone out of his wife’s hands, chucking it in a corner of the room and ‘getting it on’. And what’s keeping Amy from hurling his book through the room and seducing him?
The arrogant-paper-book-reading Bob must skip his evenings of reading twice a week, and please, not on the same days every week. Be spontaneous and surprising as to which evenings he picks. On those evenings, he will focus on Amy: pour her a glass of wine, rub her feet, surprise her with a dinner for which he did the grocery shopping, stuff like that. Just full-on attention for his wife. The wife will love it, and appreciate him for it… Let’s see if this will change the ‘man of culture’ into a ‘man of lust’.
Amy however should put in her effort as well. There’s no chance of building up anything remotely steamy if you’re busy with some of the most sexless things imaginable: arranging a dog sitter and making shopping lists. On the nights that the husband doesn’t pick up his book, she should refrain from doing any task, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
By the way, Amy can also take the initiative; just show Bob your breasts and all things culturally responsible will be forgotten instantly. Yes, men can be that simple.
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