Quick question, if you don't mind...is it just us, or have slugs gotten much, much bigger in the past few months? I'm not talking about the teensy kind that munch on the leaves of your garden flowers and veg.

No, I'm talking about these hulking monstrosities that leave a glistening divot in the ground from where they've dragged themselves across the lawn.

These huge Gastropoda Pulmonata have used the public distraction of COVID sensationalism to quietly go about getting absolutely MAHOOSIVE.

Just yesterday I heard some commotion or other in the back garden and went out to investigate.

The mist was still hanging in the air, hugging the trees, like the reluctant vapour of some blissed out hippie, and the moon shone brightly down, I found one of our two cat's hissing and spitting, back arched, tail up and fur frizzed. He was staring down the vile antennae of what was, quite simply, the largest slug I have ever seen.

I mean this...thing, well, not only was it hoovering up the cats' breakfast biscuits but, well, it was quite likely to take my wallet and watch while it was at it.

This thing was big.

Proper huge.

No amount of cabbage leaves in the world was gonna satiate this brute. I mean, I didn't know what to do. Ordinarily, I'd grab the cats' dish and fling/fire the slug off into the woodland.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling brave, I'll simply peel the little squish sausage off and flick it unto the lawn.

This beast however, no Ma'am, there was no way I was squaring up to this thing.

I'd need a JCB.

So, I did what I could do and grabbed the cat, fled back inside the sanctity of the house and watched through the window as the slug chowed down on the cats' brekkie. I swear, it doubled in size, even then.

Today, I have even more reason to be fearful. Right by my car, there's the telltale glistening mucus trail. It's waiting for me and it wants my wheels.


Hold on to your hats,