1.3kg Orange (this is non-negotiable - the origin is up for debate, but Seville seems to be the most popular place).

2 Lemons (when life gives you lemons, you make....marmalade...obvs): juice only, we don't need the rind or pips you daft sods.

2.6kg preserving or granulated sugar (well, make your choice now, we'd go preserve but that's just us).


Take the whole oranges and the lemon juice(!) and slam them in a large preserving pan (jeez...saucepan if you've not get the necessary fully equipped jam slash marmalade preparation station in your house....blame the architect not us) and cover with 2 litres/4 pints of water - if it does not cover the fruit, use a smaller pan (oh my actual...this one is for any dipsticks out there who could not figure this out alone).

The Oranges will make a bid for freedom at this point and will swim to the surface. Repeatedly. If necessary weigh the oranges down with a well placed insult or guilt them in to staying put.

Alternatively, a heat-proof plate to keep them submerged should do the trick.

Bring to the boil, cover and simmer gently for around 2 hours, or until the peel can be easily pierced (stabby stabby) with a fork (stick a couple of episodes on the 'Flix and kick back).

Warm half the sugar in a very low oven (as in temp not one that is at ankle height, sheesh). Pour off the cooking water from the oranges into a jug and tip the oranges into a bowl (a bit like soul and body).

Return all the cooking liquid to the pan. Allow the oranges to laze about and look cool after their 'colonic cleanse' and wait until they are easy to handle (they are a little pissed at how they've been treated), then cut in half (let the feelings flow, this bit is cathartic).

Scoop out all the pips and pith (all the unnecessary bits) and add to the now reserved orange liquid in the pan.

Bring to the boil for 6 minutes, then strain this liquid through a sieve into a bowl and press the pulp through with a wooden spoon - it is high in pectin (sticky stuff) so gives marmalade a good set.

Pour half this liquid into a preserving pan. Cut the peel, with a sharp knife, into fine shreds (seriously, this is really a personal thing, we cannot specify what makes a fine slice, and tbh it sounds a bit dodgy, like something you would hear shouted outside a Kebab shop at 3 in the morning).

Add half the peel to the liquid in the preserving pan with the warm sugar. Stir over a low heat until all the sugar has dissolved, for about 10 minutes, then bring to the boil and bubble (this could be your own mood, or related to the substance) rapidly for 15- 25 minutes until setting point is reached (i.e it's ready for jarring).

Take pan off the heat and skim any scum (yeah, you ducking duckers get the duck out) from the surface. To dissolve any excess scum (you'll need a circular saw, a bath, some acid, some wait, that's a different set of instructions), drop a small knob (childish but "bwaahahaha") of butter on to the surface, and gently stir).

Leave the marmalade to stand (no legs, Karen, no frikkin legs) in the pan for 20 minutes to cool a little and allow the peel to settle; then pot (as in place, as in spoon. Not as in adding any soon to be legal substances....although...) in sterilised jars, seal and label.

Repeat from step 3 for second batch (wait...WHAT?), warming the other half of the sugar first.

Et Voila.

Weather Marmalade.