Good morning. Our evening editor, it transpires, was suffering from a severe case of the HANGRIES last night and thus produced the below update. While the editor in question was administered with an emergency Snickers at site, the damage was already done.
If you are not familiar with, or have never been in contact with someone who is Hangry, then you cannot really every understand the seriousness of the situation. No matter how strong the mind, no matter how normally resilient the person has been in the past, when the Hangries come, they are done for.
Everything becomes about food. Everything! Rage forms. Confusion sets in. A mobile phone looks like a quesadilla. A coffee mug appears as a blueberry muffin. A shoe as steak and chips and a weather report as Tapas!
When someone is hangry they will only fixate on food. They are lost to the power of the buds and the guts. They will order far too much food. They will become irrational and irritable. They will become beasts of mastication, zombies of the quick feeds and simple sugars.
They are, for the most part....lost to the world.
If no treatment is given within the first 2-4 hours of an infected case they may even resort to chewing their own nails, licking the inside of wrappers and raiding the work fridge looking for leftovers.
In some cases, it has been known for a Hangry to kick and shake a vending machine so violently, that the machines are wrenched from the walls.
If you encounter a Hangry and have no food to offer....RUN! Find somewhere to hide and call the authorities immediately.
DO NOT ENGAGE. Especially if you have dripped some sauce down your clothes from your midday burger, or have sugar frosting from a doughnut still on or around your facehole.
Said editor is currently convalescing in an unnamed rehabilitation centre for hungry, tired and overworked online journalists.
As you may imagine the centre was and is a very busy establishment, as such, we've had to pull a few strings and (we are loathe to admit) have also needed to grease some palms and put pressure on a select few heads of state.
You see, over the years, we've amassed quite some dossier on those who run the show here in the 'Burg, and those in charge of the weather are no exception.
We had to swap the sun for some rain today....those were the terms of the recovery programme.
We hope you can understand that the needs of the few effect the needs of the many on this day and join us as we hope and pray that our good evening editor makes a swift recovery.
I better find some flipping cereal. FAST!