A summer-long effort by children in the Grand Duchy to demolish their parents’ mental and emotional well-being was a success, according to the movement’s leader, seven-year-old Claire Kieffer.
“Two months ago, many of you believed we couldn’t defeat our parents, that with their physical strength, years of experience, and superior intellects, we would be forced into submission and made to do things like tidy our rooms, sit quietly, and stop kicking our brothers in the head,” said Kieffer, who took over in June from outgoing leader Rodrigo Alves, aged nine.
“However, you have proven yourselves to be determined, that no matter how many times parents said you were going to be sent to your bedrooms, you never gave up and continued bouncing the ball against the ceiling until they had to pry it out of your hands,” she continued. “And even then, you found something noisier to bounce.”
“And some of you, despite having lost access to tablets, TV, and your toys, you kept on sticking out your tongues and saying ‘pffffbft,’ for hours and hours,” she added. “For that, we commend you.”
Agent Maxime Adeyemi, 4, was given special recognition for showing “exemplary creativity in the face of boring daily routines.” According to sources, the preschooler managed to throw a tantrum every single morning -- for eight whole weeks -- yet never for the same reason.
“Some mornings I would go crazy because my favorite cartoon wasn’t on TV, the next I would lose my mind because the strawberry jam didn’t taste like the one we normally get, and the next morning I would scream for some totally random reason, such as that I didn’t like the texture on the new wallpaper,” he said. “True, I often wanted to chill out and just enjoy the delicious breakfast my mother had prepared, but I knew that I had a duty, which was to throw my plate on the floor and watch her face turn a darker red than the morning bottle of wine she had now started drinking.”
Spokeschild Emma Harrington, 8, says that while parents may hope that their kids, a year older, will behave next summer, plans are already underway for new and more sadistic methods to drive parents to the verge of insanity.
“I don’t want to give everything away,” she said, “but some us are developing high-frequency cries that are guaranteed to make our parents’ eardrums’ explode”. “And one of our agents, a boy from Mersch, plans on asking his parents to sign him up for no fewer than three expensive summer programs, yet he’ll refuse to go to any of them.”
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