RTL Today's staff are not the most ardent love guru's and, to be honest, this is patchy at best. This is not a de facto guide. Helps us out if you possess, a certain set of skills that may help on 14 February.
There are millions of ways to get things right on Valentine's Day and millions more that can scupper your plans quicker than you can say 'Cheeky Nandos?''
Depending on where you are on the relationship scale, Valentine's Day has the power to ruin everything and also the keys to a wonderful future. More so than Christmas gifts, Val's offerings are essential in getting right.
The slightest whiff of last-minute or the can't be arsed'' and it's all over.
Don't forget - the date has not changed. It's been there for a year since the last time you got yourself in trouble. Plus the telebox will have been squawking at you about cards and flowers delivery since January 1st.
Do - avoid that cuddly toy. Chances are this has been the fall back gift from previous suitors...even possibly from yourself if your memory is not that sharp. If you want to go the route of the snuggle bunny, try and think outside of the box.
Don't - do the 'I am alone so anyone will do ruse', better to be safe than make someone else sorry.
Do - avoid the garlic. This is important even for those in long-term relationships. Even for those who have had to deal with morning breath ad infinitum.
Don't - rest on a laurels, it's easy to fall into habits. 'But I get this for you every year', 'Let's go where we do all the gosh darn time'. Try a new place. It might be shit. But you'll have a story.
Do - be honest. Whether this is your first or fiftieth fourteenth day in February (say that five times fast), if you're pretending to be someone you are not, it will show. If it is your first date AND you've gone the route of Pinocchio, then the fibs are going to come back at some point.
Don't - get the bargain basement choccies. No you should not assume that you can buy love. But you CAN buy some decent chocolate. Leave the leftover Quality Street at home.
Do - bubbles and squeak. Shell out for a reasonable cru/vintage. Any of that vinegar swill and you your date will know it.
Don't - dick about with your phone. If you're on a romantic date and you're constantly fiddling with your secret screen, you're gonna come a cropper. What could be more romantic than the person you want to celebrate a day of love with, than that same person being continually sidetracked by a black mirror.
Do - for the love of your partner/deity/private parts, take off the price tag if you've resorted to the last minute Garage forecourt bouquet buy.
Don't - make it only about you. You like Thai, your partner doesn't. The new F&F is out at the cinema, and your partner hates, just simply HATES Vinny D, perhaps do something you both enjoy or equally, something you both hate. You may end up surprising yourself.
Don't - feel forced into any sexual encounter.
In fact Do - state your intentions and ground rules, do make sure your plans are known to your friends if meeting a stranger.
Don't - watch Marriage Story as a date film. As good as the film is, it's distillation of a failing marriage is the quickest way to breaking up for yourselves.
Do - book in advance. This is for those that have a date agreed, rather than those who are hoping against hope that they are going to have that special person acknowledge, accept, agree.
Do - try to pick up on the subtle (and the not-so subtle) hints that may or may not have been dropped since the start of the year. In these cues you may find ways to beat the queues and avoid disappointment.
Don't - risk the office 'secret admirer'. The political ramifications range too far and too wide.
Do - be extra sure on what 'naughty' bits and bobs you're going to get. Be that for man or woman, getting the size right is paramount. Like Goldilocks, you're going to have be on point.
Don't - give an animal as a gift. Even if you think it is super cute. It's just not a smart idea on a whim.
Do - take care when supervising your kids' Valentine's habits: Let "your kids" use their imaginations to make, or choose, their own cards.
Don't - forget allergy risks.
Do - try to be original. Try something DIY, it may be the catalyst for a little laughter. Or even reveal a hitherto unknown talent. Here are some ideas.
Don't - break up with your partner. There are better ways to ingrain a terrible memory into people's conscious.
The splendidly names Bitches Etiquette, have some advice here.
This is far from exhaustive - please leave your hints and tips in the comments below.