Have you ever felt lost when the conversation suddenly turns to football? Attending your son/daughter/cousin's match with other parents there on the touchlines? Here are some handy tips to help you fit right in.

Do spend the first 10 minutes of your day researching the weekend's football. You are expected to know the league standings, top scorers and recent results of the top five European leagues (English Premier League, German Bundesliga, French Ligue 1, Spanish La Liga and Luxembourg National Division.)

Don't engage in cheesy, embarrassing, US-style chanting on the touchlines. Chants such as these are explicitly banned.

Do hurl abuse at your child if they score an own goal or miss an easy chance. Children typically appreciate this kind of behaviour and their friends' parents will be impressed by your commitment.

Also, do be ready to put your child's safety on the line in the service of the team. If they are not concentrating on the game, be ready to take pushy parenting to a whole new level. Like this guy.

Do not under any circumstance conjugate football teams' names in the third person singular. If you come out with such absurdities as 'Bayern Munich is playing well at the moment' or 'Real Madrid is a good football team,' you will be hounded out of whatever establishment you are in.

Finally, do prepare a couple of reliable stock sentences in case your mind goes blank when discussing football. For example: 'Did you see that ludicrous display last night,' or 'the thing about Arsenal is they always try to walk it in.'