As everybody* knows, there are some things you shouldn’t do in a pool. The list usually includes such tired and often repeated advice as not swimming too soon after you’ve eaten, not swimming during a thunder storm, and not running on the side of the pool.

*not everybody does, that much is clear but...well, aside from NEVER peeing in the pool (wee ones aside) there are a great many things you really should consider before getting in at the deep end.

I was a lifeguard during college and university years and the things I have seen, I could and still may, write a book about. Above all, however, was the mess people would leave behind and the general gross-ness of all and sundry.

So, maybe dip your toe in first with these.

Do - teach your kids to swim, or at least enroll them in the very basic water proficiency courses. It will save their life.

Don't - leave the above too late in life, attaching a stigma to swimming early on can and will affect your sprog's water fears.

Do - inform yourself on the exits and facilities, you'd be surprised how much that will help should any situation arise.

Don't - get too frisky at the pool side, or in the pool itself. It's gross, everyone WILL see and nearly everyone will frown and tut with a terrific magnitude.

Do - (men....mainly) keep your junk out of the stream jets and filters. It's not a good way to get off. Suction points in swimming pools or spas can come off and create the risk of trapping hair or parts of the body.

Don't - be an unnecessarily gregarious show-off. So you can backflip from the 5m board and not lose your lunch, good for you Carl, now watch as little Timmy belly flops his way to oblivion trying to copy you.

Do - inform the lifeguards of any specific medical requirements that relate to you or your swimming party (allergies, asthma, diabetes, epilepsy, heart issues etc etc).

Do - wear appropriate swimming attire. Budgie smugglers are fine, but no one will be that impressed. Avoid those white swimwear gaffs. The ones that go sheer and see-thru when wet. NOT A GOOD LOOK.

Don't - drink the pool water. It's filthy. Properly filthy.

Don't - creep on people. Yes, people sometimes do hook up at the swimming pool. But it's rare. And more than likely you'll end up with a court order.

Do - use the swim lanes properly. Some folk want to fitness swim and not toss about wrestling with each other.

Don't - run. Please don't. More so than drowning, injuries and deaths occur most commonly from slipping and cracking open your daft skull.

Do - consider others when lobbing your kids around. Everyone likes a bit of fun but not when that means having some 8 year old dropped on your head. Same goes for playing catch and dive with balls and such.

RTL

Do - be aware that not every punter is happy-go-lucky when being bombed or splashed. Have some sense, would ya?

Don't - go to the pool when you're ill. Snot and spit are flotsam and jetsam. Yuck.

Do - wear verruca socks. Just do it.

Do - rinse off before getting in the water. You are not the almighty god/goddess of cleanliness.

Do - cover up wounds with secure plasters/dressing, and for the love of money, please pick up your loose plaster should it come loose.

Don't - cock about on the flumes. It'll end badly and will annoy EVERYONE.

Do - make sure your non-swimming companions have the right swim aids.

Don't - leave your kids unattended. The scariest moment of my life was when an unaccompanied nipper came tear-arsing into the pool I was working at. I knew what was going to happen before it did. He toddled off to the deep end, no arm bands and no fear. He just jumped in and promptly vanished. Considering what happened in Grevenmacher last year, I am loathe to make light of the situation. Needless to say, protocol went out the window and I went in the water to get him. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. I dragged the kid out, dumped him poolside and administered basic CPR. He was fine, shook up but fine. The father, ambling in some 10 minutes after the event and annoyed at the kerfuffle, reeking of fags, was not. We remonstrated. He may have offered me outside for a fight. I may have called him a dickhead beforehand.

Do - enforce safety rules. Even if it does make you seem like a billy no mates.

Don't - just jump right in and swim, swim, swim...

Do - before getting your splash on: some warm up and light stretching.

Just to remind you again. DO NOT PEE in the pool. You think no one will notice...they will, especially if you do it from the high dive. And with the coloured urine detecting dye. No, it is not a myth.**

Anymore for any more? Send you tips and tricks to audience@rtltoday.lu

**Ok, it is a myth, an urban legend designed to scare kids witless.